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Prayer for You
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Unmasked
Last week in the Free Will Astrology "homework" in my newsletter, I asked what pose would be a big relief for you to drop. In what part of your life, I wondered, are you faking -- and what could you do to escape that bind? This week I offer a partial reprint of your thoughtful responses. It is always an enormous blessing to me to be gifted so generously by your words. "This is the first time I have written," confesses RAVENDANCER. "I never think I am clever enough to contribute, but here I am being bold for the first time in a while. Why? Because the Universe moved me to proclaim once and for all that being a 'Non-Threatening Sweet Chubby Girl' has worn out its usefulness! After the heart-breaking implosion of a crucial relationship combined with the ugliness of uncharitable female hissing (how jealousy will bastardize feminine unity!), I proceeded to replace dancing out loud with hibernating in dark corners. I padded myself physically and spiritually, so as not to fall prey to future fallout. It has been five years now, and I have realized that the extra padding keeps me more from moving than it keeps others from hissing or functioning in their own depleted, out-lashing ways. In rebuilding my own internal foundation, I fear less than before the external sticks and stones; I give myself permission to talk back, be feisty, say no, get bitchy, laugh in color, and dance out loud once again. To quote Anais Nin, 'it has become more painful to remain a tightly closed bud than to bloom.'" LALA checks in on both parts of the question, relating that the mask she'd most like to drop is "the illusion that I can stay in my job until my children are older and not lose my mind. I have a job situation most parents would die for and all I can think is that I am busy not doing what truly calls my heart, for two extremely good reasons -- both under 10 years of age. Then I wonder how they will decide their priorities in life if they see me hanging around waiting for a 'right' time. I wonder what I will feel if I die with all of this inside me. . . . I would love to drop the pose of calmness and acceptance that it's OK to wait, that another day without living in my own light is just because it's better this way. . . . Meanwhile, my whole universe of creativity is contemplating some serious black-hole behaviour! . . . [How to] escape that bind? It would take the courage to watch my spouse descend into financially-induced depression, courage to leave my home because it is ludicrously expensive to live here, and watch my children cope. . . . The courage to deconstruct our family universe. . . . Maybe just the courage to start doing what calls me and face the idea that it might not take very much at all. Maybe that scares me more!" THERESA hopes to one day find the strength to "shatter the porcelain mask of sanity that shrouds me. . . . I don't want to rock myself to sleep at night, quieting the blind fury and madness that I have stifled all day long. I don't want to hold myself back anymore when the thought of running a few miles and buying a few thousands of dollars worth of CDs and books sounds so tempting. I want to throw dishes at the wall when I'm angry. I want to pound my fists in the pillow with despair when I am depressed. I want to waste away all my savings in a fit of urgency on nothing at all. And I want my world to still be standing when I return." "Admitting that I can't single-handedly solve everything for everyone (including myself), would be a tremendous relief," sighs VIRGO DE KAT. "It's a mask I've worn for so long that I had nearly convinced myself that it's true, and it's a face everyone has become accustomed to seeing on me. I'm washing away the mask one day at a time by becoming more faithful to my true self, who isn't always in the mood to come to the rescue." And BRIDJET admits that the "mask has become so incredibly heavy the past few weeks, it's practically falling off! That is the mask I wear at my job. I didn't used to wear one -- I had absolutely no reason to. Since I was forced into a title and responsibility change, though, I have had to put one on in order to function -- and I've had enough! The airline biz is so volatile, the VP of my department can't seem to take her mask off ever, and it's time to see more of what I am, not more of who I feel forced to be! There it is! Wonderful!" You may not want to know what SUSAN has to say, but she's right: "I'd like to escape the bind of getting sucked into the black hole of other people's dramas. For years I made the naive boo-boo of actually thinking I could help solve their problems. Duh -- silly me. I finally realized that the whole idea of a drama is to keep raising the angst to a higher, [more] fevered pitch. So I started trying different ways to peel myself from the tar-baby effect of their woe-is-me scripts. I tried just listening, nodding my head, muttering 'I understand,' and offering no advice while waiting until they exhausted themselves. But then there was always a new drama just up the road. "Lately, when the phone rings and I hear the heavy, sighing, way that all drama-junkies say, 'Hi,' I make up some lame excuse. 'Sorry, I have to go pee/ shower/ cook/ walk-the-dogs/ run-to-the-store/ save-my-aging-Mom-from-the-AARP/ throw-out-the-garbage.' For a Scorpio, that's awfully wimpy. I hope one day soon I can be as strong as my drama-busting hero. She's a Capricorn-CPA-Reiki-Master-Massage-Therapist who cuts them off at the first hint of the heavy sigh and bluntly says, 'I don't want to hear this.'" RON's doing his work about work, writing, "I would love to be able to drop the mask of ambition, the pretense that I'm looking for the 'big job' that's going to give me a huge salary and put me on a fast track to success. I have to find something to do to pay my debts and meet my expenses of course, but I'm doing my best to find something modest that is at least tangentially related to my creative pursuits, and also taking a look at the material conditions I've created for myself in the last few years and asking myself hard questions about what I truly need, what I desire, and what I merely crave." And JESSICA reveals, "I would like to drop my act of being the dumb one of the group. At work, I often catch myself saying, 'Well, what do I know?' In fact, I know a lot, but I put on this mask of a head-in-the-clouds ding-a-ling. I think I have a fear of appearing vain. I remember hearing, 'Boys don't like smart girls.' I know that is not true. I know that I'm smart, thoughtful, compassionate, and wise. Many times friends, co-workers, and family say to me, 'Why do you say you're dumb when your words and deeds always show us that you're the smartest gal we've got?' I'd like to unmask that smart, powerful woman and keep her out for good." Yes, please, Jessica. ALLISON admits, "The pose I want to drop is my greedy insistence on being 'special' as opposed to merely being alive. . . . When I know I'm alive, I feel at one with every living thing in what we refer to as the Universe. When I know I'm alive, I have no need to be 'special.' There is no such thing in that unity of life. . . . I know I'm alive when I experience being alive. When I just let go. Drop down. Open all the doors and windows. When there is infinite space and no space. When duality ceases to be understandable. When competition is a crime. Now, if I could only learn how to not attach to being alive, to stop the automatic cling response, to not fear the lesson of death. Hence, the pose." "I suspect I'm not alone in this," writes SALLY. "I am so tired of being the 'all-together' woman and the 'strong for America's sake' citizen. Especially of late, when all I want to do is give in to a session of panic-filled screaming, wailing, crying and running in circles with my arms up in the air yelling 'Aaaah! Aaaaaah! Aaaaaaaaah!' I get overwhelmed at times, especially with a husband who is astoundingly rational about our current world climate, and I feel as though I have to keep MY calm to save face. That results in a whole lot of repression and I get wound up tighter than a watch spring. I could really use an evening of old-fashioned catharsis with no regrets in the morning." CATHERINE must have a sore neck, as she's holding up way more than just one mask, listing, "The first one that came to mind was forced humility. There are some things that I am very good at, like school, but I don't feel like I am able to tell people how happy that makes me. It's like it's wrong to say I am smart. I don't ever find myself wanting to say I'm perfect, because I know I am not. But I sort of hide how I feel about the things that are good about myself. I've realized that the more important mask I wear is a blank one. It takes me a long time to really let my personality shine through to the people I meet. My friends seem to find me interesting and entertaining to be with, but I'm sure they didn't right away. I hide my pain as well to make others less worried about me. But I have been poking holes in that mask. I'm finding that sharing my joy seems to multiply it (as they say) and that when I am feeling playful, it is often pretty well-received. Someday I will rip to shreds and feel free enough to let every single thought play on my face." WINNIFRED confesses, "my fake pose has got to be strength and conviction, maybe even anger. . . I don't know if I can drop this charade of a 'tough ass' attitude; maybe I still need it. . . . I've even discovered the secret that there is a profound strength, or appearance thereof, in saying, 'I don't know.' When I say it, it is true, but I am aware that it causes a certain effect, a trust, because I am not bullshitting. But I do know how to bullshit, it flows freely when I think something should be some way, but I have no basis for asserting it. I think I can do something, but I have no basis for believing or thinking that. I guess I'm left with a question, though, if I drop the charade of tough all-confidence, what will be left? Humanity, an intelligent life form struggling with issues and dilemmas we were never meant to understand, let alone ponder? I will let you know after a hundred years of solitude." And finally, KIOYTESONG sings: "I am a false worshipper. . . I have never doubted that the Gods were real To other people, only To my small soul With no imagination I try hard, I build my altars I make my sacrifices But still no righteous manifestations have graced My threshold for belief. . . And I am a false friend My friends like me, but I have no time For them, no interest in their lives, however wonderful or scary they may be, I don't seem to care enough to let them in to where my heart really beats In interest of maya, illusion and lies, v I plan to start honoring my friends A little more, and start ignoring the gods A little more, less time for deities More time for companions And maybe in my friends, The Gods will be revealed." |
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© 1995-2008 -- Rob Brezsny. All rights reserved
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