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Prayer for You
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The 13 Greatest Secrets of All Time
Lucky Number ThirteenThe greatest perfect secrets of all time Compiled by newsletter editor Lips R. Sealed Igniting his annual campaign for Fool Czar this month, Rob strode boldly upon the fake leopard skin lava lamp planks of his platform and promised to reveal "The 13 Perfect Secrets from the Beginning of Time." In advance of his miraculous revelations, he wondered what your 13 Perfect Secrets are? Our newsletter readership was happy to oblige, sharing not only those best-kept secrets but also affirming the usual wisdom that FWA readers rank insanely high on the genius o'meter. LITCRITTER sets the stage and then smartly runs his list: "At the end of last summer, my partner abandoned me in the jungle. We'd worked together for years, and this was the first time she'd ever done anything like this, but I had to trust that she was on a mission of the gravest importance. In the meantime, I had my own mission to complete. I can't give details, but before I could get out of the castle, I had to wrestle this crocodile, and I found myself in a position to examine the inside of his mouth more closely than I would have liked. Underneath a false tooth, I found a microfilm capsule. When I got back to the States, and was able to get a look at what I'd found, this is what I found myself looking at: 1. You're in charge. This is your life, and you determine its course. 2. You're not in charge. What happens today is the result of decisions made before you were born, and completely beyond your control. 3. About the past: You did the best you could do under the circumstances, and so did everyone else. Let go and move on. 4. About the future: You can do better. Except when you can't. 5. About the present: The past is a fiction; the future is science fiction. The only thing that is real is a tiny sliver of time so infinitesimally small that it doesn't, technically speaking, exist either. 6. Life is supposed to be easy. Living is an improvisational art; you've got to let it flow. 7. Life is supposed to be hard. Sometimes there is unspeakable pain. There is grief, there is loss, there is anguish and dismay. And when these bad things land on your doorstep, you either invite them in for tea and see what they have to say for themselves, or you sit inside, afraid to go out your own door. But the sooner you invite them in, the sooner you can go out to play. 8. It is not true that 'things happen for a reason.' Actually, things just happen. Our job as humans is to find a reason, or to make one. Our brains are hard-wired to see pictures in the fire, and there is no better instrument than the human soul for stitching silver linings into thunderclouds. 9. Don't let yourself be trapped into being who you used to be if that's not who you are anymore. 10. Treat every single being you encounter with respect, kindness, and compassion. Include yourself on that list. 11. Don't make promises you can't keep. Do what you say you will do, when you say you're going to do it, and if for some reason you can't, apologize. If you don't know the answer, admit it. Follow these three rules, and you will keep more friends than you lose. And you'll do well at work, too, if that matters to you. 12. Ask people questions. 13. Paradox is merely Hegelian dialectic removed from its usual temporal context, and is therefore to be embraced rather than feared." SARAH lists: "1. Everything's already perfect. 2. Every act is an act of magick. 3. It's all about living in the Mystery. 4. All acts of love and pleasure are my rites. 5. When it comes down to it, we're PLAYING. Remember that. 6. Take humor seriously. Take seriousness humorously. 7. Simple things are often difficult. Complicated things are often easy. And sometimes not. 8. You will find beauty in everything when you look for it. Conversely, you can ignore beauty if you really want to, but who wants to? 9. Truth is sneaky and mischievous, often hiding in unexpected places. 10. The Universe enjoys a good laugh. Ask carefully, and when you fall for a prank, laugh along! 11. The past isn't nearly as relevant as you think. It's just another part of the Now, and everything is possible in the Now. 12. Blame, shame, and guilt are wastes of time. Feeling guilty about guilt or ashamed of shame are especially silly! Grow, change, and affect your reality according to a better vision instead! 13. All the good things -- joy, love, security, ability -- are a choice." And GASCONNE's wisdom runs thus: "1. The story of St. Patrick driving the snakes out of Ireland is not an allegory for the destruction of paganism. It was plagiarized from Hilarius of Arles' 'Life of Honoratus' by a 12th century monk who wanted to explain why Ireland has no native snakes. 2. One person's healthy diet is another's heart attack on a plate. 3. Practicing pronoia can keep you gainfully employed. 4. Telling someone 'I can't be with you now' can be a greater gift to them than trying a relationship you know is doomed to fail. 5. Many small gestures equal, if not exceed the impact of, one large one. 6. In the long run, it's healthiest to side with those who tell the most truth. 7. No one is ever able to tell the whole truth. That is a package of facts known only to the gods. 8. A good cry is worth three sessions with a therapist. 9. A good laugh is worth five sessions. 10. There is always enough love to go around. The limitations are time and courage. 11. If you will still be alive when it's over, any problem you face can be managed. 12. The court jester was a partial holdover from the court Druids of the Celtic kingdoms, showing the very blurry line between the priest and the fool. 13. Failure is a better teacher than five books." While CHARYS counts: "1. Be cranky. Cranky people make things happen, one way or another. 2. Love yourself. Even when you're cranky. 3. Search, look at, listen to, observe, dig out, research, and question EVERYTHING. Collect the truths you find. 4. Love truth. It will never let you down. 5. Change. 6. Claim a space and make it look better. Everywhere you go. 7. Laugh. 8. If you have a choice, choose your heart. 9. Fear can be fun, if you choose to believe it. 10. Don't sweat the small stuff, but don't make the mistake of believing that everything is small stuff. Not everything is. 11. Have a soundtrack for your life. Sing it, or play it, just have one. 12. Applaud creativity, even when it bothers you. 13. Don't stop learning just because you know it all." SALLY takes it backwards, beginning: "13. The Maryhill Museum in teeny-tiny Goldendale, WA has a huge collection of original Rodin sculptures. 12.The most perfect flower in the world is the trillium, and they grow wild in my yard. 11. California gray whales will make and maintain eye contact with humans. 10. You can buy earthworm eggs to plant in your garden that will hatch into earthworms. 9. Talented creepy-guy actor Christopher Walken can sing and dance as well as act. AND (bonus secret) he's been happily married to the same woman for over 30 years. 8. Garlic planted around roses helps prevent black spot. 7. Live moose look just like Bullwinkle. 6. Asking out loud for a decent parking space usually helps you find one. 5. The vast majority of people are good at heart. 4. Spritzing kitchen counters with vinegar and then with hydrogen peroxide kills more germs than wiping them down with chlorine bleach. 3. My husband's eyes are not brown. (But you have to get really close to see the green.) 2. One of the most comforting scents in the world nestles within the belly fur of a sleeping cat. 1. Love will not kill you." "Top 13 Perfect Secrets of Patsy," writes PATSY, last to first: "13. I have a secret pal named Don Juan that absolutely no one knows about. 12. For 39 years I've kept how wild and totally out of control I really want to be a secret (OK, I might have been true to myself through about age two). 11. My secret self tells me how great it is to be different all the time, even when no one understands me, I am in perfect synchronicity with life. 10. My perfect secret spot is up in a large oak tree beside The Hague, no one knows this but my guardian angel, who meets me there occasionally. 9. I also possess the secret for planting a perfect garden after 14 years experience! 8. When I wear my toque, I smoke -- shh, only my caterer knows. 7. If you love Mt. Gay rum like I do, it's definitely a good idea to keep it a secret. 6. The most perfect vacation spot in the whole world is St. Lucia. 5. The most perfect astrologer ever is Rob Brezsny, but I don't think that's a secret. 4. Dr. Bronner's peppermint soap is the perfect soap for everything. 3. All my best friend's secrets are perfect secrets, because nobody else knows them! 2. Ya gotta be smarter than the average bear to give up a good government job. AND, No. 1 -- drum roll, please -- Perfection is an illusion!" JUANITO also strums in opposite order: "13. Just breathe. 12. 'All wisdom is rooted in learning to call things by their right name.' -- Confucius. 11. Old bananas (peel and all), placed around the drip line, are extremely beneficial for rosebushes. 10. My father secretly dispenses vitamins to those who visit his home planet. 9. April is not the cruelest month. 8. Snakes have no ears. 7. To determine if a tornado is nearby, turn a television on to the lowest channel without programming and observe the static. 6. There are two colors tulips have not been able to exhibit: true blue, and black. 5. A car's backseat will do just fine in a pinch, but you really must move on after awhile. 4. Our National Poet Laureate, Billy Collins. He shouldn't be a secret, however. 3. The spot where I found the small, egg-shaped rock I carry in my car. 2. 'Hate cannot overcome hate. Only love can do so. This is an eternal law.' -- The Buddha. 1. Let me tell you the biggest secret of all: I love you." "Things that shouldn't be secret but are treated as such," spills DEBRIS: "1. It's great fun growing old. 2. Muslims aren't evil. 3. All Religions Are One (William Blake). 4. We're all going to die. 5. Freud was responsible for the birth of consumerism (via Edward Bernays). 6. There is an engine that runs on water. 7. Drugs aren't evil either. 8. Men and women come from the same planet. 9. Happiness isn't a permanent state. 10. Behind guilt there's usually resentment. 11. Sssh -- communication doesn't solve everything. 12. We're evolving out of patriotic notions. 13. Honesty isn't always a virtue." And TOODLES toddles: "1. 'You don't know what you got till it's gone.' -- 'Big Yellow Taxicab' by Joni Mitchell. 2. 'You and I' precedes or follows a verb; 'you and me' follows a preposition. 3. Follow your gut not your head. The tummy always knows. 4. 'I'd rather stick to my beliefs than be the most popular person in the room.' -- Tori Amos in a BBC interview. 5. Cats like to be sung to but only if you stay on key. 6. NEVER suck on a finger that's bleeding. You'll infect the thing with God knows what. 7. 'We write what we don't know' -- Salada Tea Bag tag. 8. 'Religion is like a sanitary napkin; if it fits, wear it.' -- Whoopi Goldberg. 9. 'I will act as if what I do makes a difference.' -- William James. 10. 'Happiness is a warm puppy.' -- Charles Schultz. 11. 'I'm OK when everything is not OK.' --'Upside Down' by Tori Amos. 12. 'No man is a failure who has friends.' --Clarence from 'It's A Wonderful Life.' 13. '. . . it's Time that we love . . .' 'Time' by Tom Waits." BRIDJET suggests: "1. A minute of thought is worth more than an hour of talk. 2. Wherever you go, there you are. 3. Art is the physical manifestation of Spirit. 4. Any decision is better than no decision. 5. Everyone is perfectly imperfect. 6. 'Don't be afraid to touch the hand of your creator. Stare into the Lion's eyes, and when you taste the candy you'll get to the surprise! -- Ween. 7. Laugh often, especially at yourself. 8. Give at least twice as much as you take. 9. Life is meant to be lived. 10. Question your Ego and you will know when to question others. 11. Smiles truly are contagious. 12. The only constant in life is change. 13. 'We all die alone, we all die as one' -- Sky Cries Mary." ELIZABETH sagely counts: "1. My father always said, 'There are two rules: One -- NEVER tell anyone everything you know and Two -- ' .' So my first truth is to listen to your parents on the wisdom they offer, but know that you can choose to carry on what you will. 2. Tell everyone everything you know, they may need to know it too. 3. It is not true that you cannot love someone until you love yourself (that insinuates too much guilt). . . . maybe the secret is that you can only love someone with the parts you fearlessly offer no matter how much it might hurt if you find those parts rejected or unappreciated. 4. Nature is alive. 5. Mother Nature can strike back. 6. People who hurt you are not acting in their true nature and can only be helped with unconditional love. 7. Pity should be replaced with compassion, as compassion does not imply better than or worse than. 8. Time does heal, but so does forgiveness. 9. If you attain the perfect figure, happiness is not imminent. 10. Finding time to watch the clouds pass . . . will make you younger and also give you something to think about when you are rushing through life living by the consecutive identical dronings of a ticking clock. 11. You don't have to do anything, you are gifted with that choice; just being is OK. 12. Total darkness makes the bliss of light more vivid, so dark moments can be seen as a depth given to the other side of the spectrum. 13. Never expect to hang on to anything forever, but know that every day could be the last for your relationship to anything." DKINLV asserts: "1. Everything is connected to everything else. 2. We need each other. 3. E-mail is a poor vehicle for resolving misunderstandings. 4. We create what we fear. 5. When I hold the right thought in my mind, my body automatically takes a deep breath; this is a reliable trial-and-error oracle. 6. One is often tempted to give up just when things are about to get interesting. 7. Avoidance is self-defeating. 8. When we try to guess what others are thinking, we usually guess wrong. 9. Lots of people claim they want to be closer to God, but the life of a prophet is no party. 10. Even violence comes from a desire to connect. 11. Ultimately, intimacy isn't possible without commitment. 12. No one is even almost perfect. 13. One's truth is the greatest gift one can give." While SHAWN believes: "1. If every human being on this planet clearly and purely thought and believed in a cure for AIDS or cancer or unity and world peace at the same time -- it would happen in that exact moment. 2. The reason why magic and dragons don't seem to exist is because everyone stopped believing in them. 3. The Earth is alive and she has got the bug spray out. 4. Every grain of sand is a thousand universes. 5. Music is fuel. 6. You are not able to truly love anyone unless you truly love yourself. 7. Possessions are chains and an absence of nonessentials will in a way lead you to some higher level. 8. 'When you're through changing, you're through' -- Bruce Barton. 9. There will never be another you ever again. You're the only one who will ever exist as you. Be the highest and finest you that you can be. 10. Whatever you are willing to put up with is exactly what you will have. 11. You will never have it all together. 12. We often fear what we want most. 13. Now is the most interesting time of all." RON hushes: "1. Look for an oracle who will ask you the right questions. 2. The Death card [in the Tarot deck] isn't about death, except for when it is. 3. The stock market is like a racetrack, only without a concession stand. 4. 'Inside Daisy Clover' may be the best Hollywood novel ever written. 5. The people who discovered that the 'Dark Side of the Moon' synchronized neatly with 'The Wizard of Oz' had way too much free time on their hands. 6. Sometimes the bonus tracks should have remained outtakes. 7. People with integrity don't have to stop to think about it. 8. E-commerce is great, if you like being chained to the computer. 9. Plus, when you go shopping, the walking is practically exercise! 10. If you know when enough is enough, you will always have enough. 11. Dickens is more famous, but Trollope's the better writer. 12. Garlic goes with just about everything, except liquids. 13. Do what you have to do, then walk away; anything else will drive you nuts." SARAH shares: "1. Club soda removes any stain as long as you soak down the stain real well right after it happens. It may not come out right away but will after you wash or clean it. 2. When opening up an ice tray, you always drop one cube. 3. The crux of the biscuit is directly proportionate to the angle of the dangle. 4. Love isn't necessarily for those who deserve it and sadly, those who do deserve it often don't get it. 5. Love is over-rated anyway. 6. Fresh ground pepper will never make you sneeze. Only stale pre-ground pepper will. 7. Wint-o-green LifeSavers light up like sparklers when you chomp down on them in the dark. 8. Bad things happen to good people. 9. Good things happen to good people. 10. The life span of a dragonfly is only 24 hours but you never see them stressing about all they have to do without enough time to do it all. Au contraire, they can often be spotted perching intently on top of your car antennae for hours and they will also take time to look at you way up close with their big watery eyes. 11. You can figure the times tables for the number nine on your fingers and without having to count. 12. The proof is in the butterscotch pudding. Do not look for it in chocolate, vanilla, pistachio or God forbid, tapioca. 13. There exist such things as divine intervention, divine justice, and divine inspiration." And finally, ARLYNDA sums it up: "1. There is more to us than just our neuroses. At the heart of every person is the capacity for kindness and wisdom. 2. Be kind to yourself. That is not the same as indulging yourself or spoiling yourself. It means to conduct your inner monologue as though you were counseling a friend whom you dearly love. 3. The majority of the world lives on just a dollar a day or less, [totaling about] $365 a year. When you complain about not having money, ask yourself, how would the majority of the world view my income? 4. Add up the clothes in your closet. How much did they cost? Is that over the yearly income for most of the world? Move on to the rest of your house and [catalogue] your other belongings. How grateful are you for those belongings? Are you blind to the wealth you already have? 5. Won ton soup cures everything. 6. By the books you read, the television you watch, the people you listen to, you choose the shape of your own mind. Shape it consciously. 7. Buddhism teaches that our minds contain many seeds -- love, hate, joy, despair. The ones that grow strongest are the ones we water and nourish by our attention to them. The ones we don't attend to wither and die. Water the flowers, and let the weeds die. 8. Grilled cheese sandwiches cooked for you are invariably far better than the ones you cook for yourself. 9. No political party or religion has all the right answers all the time. Give every position a fair hearing and take the best from each. Be flexible. 10. If you had a terrible childhood, don't waste the rest of your life trying to heal it or cope with it. Write it off, and spend your time instead building a healthy, sane, nurturing future that belongs to you. 11. Whatever your problems are, someone has it far worse and someone has it far better. Your problems are not insurmountable, but you don't need to feel guilty for worrying about them, either. They're yours, they're valid, and they can be solved. And they don't define your life unless you allow them to. 12. Everything that happens to you -- EVERYTHING -- happens in order to teach you something. 13. Never think that your list of perfect secrets is complete. Add to it every day of your life." |
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© 1995-2008 -- Rob Brezsny. All rights reserved
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