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Prayer for You
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I Me Wed
I ME WED A few weeks ago on this Web site, I proposed a further evolution of the definition of legal marriage: getting married to yourself. Because none of us is ever likely to find our perfect partner until we master the art of loving ourselves with great ingenuity, a self-wedding ritual can be the transformative magic that induces the arrival of a challenging new consort into our lives, or else brings the renaissance of an existing intimate relationship. Just because getting married to yourself is not yet legal doesn't mean we can't enjoy some of its benefits. I proposed that we take matters into our own hands by creating and carrying out our own guerrilla ceremonies, and I invited you to share your self-wedding stories with me. Here is a smattering of pronoiac self-wedding reports I received. A woman who wants to be known only as KC is already self-hitched. "I hit upon the idea of wedding myself a few years ago -- and seeing as how I'm going to be with myself for the rest of my life -- I might as well make it a good one. So, the day after graduating from college, I bought myself a lovely ring and slipped it on the finger whose vein feeds to the heart. You know, I thought, here I am, and here's the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. Of course, other applicants have been considered to come along for the ride." DANIELLE is recovering from the messy UGH of a divorce after 10 years of traditional marriage. To help salve her soul, she "decided to buy myself an engagement ring. . . . I then went out and purchased a nice dress and some favorite music. I choose the full moon on the 9th of March to hold my ceremony. I hired a professional photographer and I invited a few close friends. We drank wine while listening to the inspirational music I had chosen. I asked my friends to make a circle around me and hold hands. With myself in the center of all this love, I spoke the words that I had written. I promised myself to be true to my spirit, to love myself as I do others, and to never forget what a wonderful, unique and beautiful person I am. I am amazed at the transformative powers this has had on my life. [For] the past few weeks, I have been filled with a sense of contentment and bliss. Obstacles don't seem so daunting and I find myself lying in bed at night, looking forward with excited anticipation at what gifts tomorrow holds for me. Even my soon-to-be ex-husband can't shake me from where I am now. Several of the friends from the ceremony have expressed interest in having their own wedding and I have encouraged them to do so." Like Danielle, MICHELE PARIS ESCH came to this notion on her own. She relates, "It's funny that you should bring this up. A couple of weeks ago, I was counseling a married friend going through a crisis. It occurred to me that she should buy a special dress and marry herself. At the risk of sounding like a nut case, I suggested this to her. "Later the same night, I was invited to dinner at another girlfriend's apartment with yet another of her friends. On her fridge, she had posted a 'thought a day' type of calendar page. It read, 'Marry yourself first. Promise never to leave.' I told my friends about my earlier counsel, and 'Self-Marriage' became the theme of our evening's humor. "As we finished our last bites, we decided to have a little ceremony right there at the dinner table! We assisted each other in marrying ourselves -- with rings and everything. "With lightness and fun, it went kind of like this: "'Do you promise to take yourself to be your spiritually wedded partner? For better or worse? For rich or for poor? In sickness and in health? Repeat after me, 'With this ring, I me wed.' "I, by the way, am married, but took the oath to myself anyway. I used two rings at the same time: My silver ring as a symbol of my life, independent of who's in it, and my engagement ring, symbolizing the marriage to myself within the context of a relationship with someone else." And BRIDJET has also already conducted this healing ritual. She writes, "I have been encouraging people to do the same thing, in almost the same words, after I did it myself about five years ago. I bought myself a ring, and made numerous promises to love, honor, cherish and be true to myself, enhancing the process with lots of flowers, sage, and self-composed chanting. In the evening, I reflected in front of a large fire, in which the flame formations told me stories in pictures. When the fire was nearly out, a big thunderstorm rolled in and I danced with frenzy. I wear that ring on my right hand's ring finger to this day -- in fact it has grown a part of me. I have never taken it off, and probably couldn't if I tried! It is a wondrous physical and visual daily reminder to keep an open heart." SUZANNE LERNER is a new convert to the self-wedding idea. She has just tried it and reports back with these results: "I want to tell you, it's been even more powerful than I suspected. I find myself loving the parts that I can't -- I find myself Idealizing myself. I went to a party, and hung out with my 'new love.' You know how, as soon as you've found a partner, suddenly everyone else seems to find you more attractive? Well. . . YEAH!" And KIM reports, "I believe the ceremony to love, honor, and cherish myself from this day forward is not only a beauteous sentiment but profoundly logical. Maybe we'll have a group ceremony where many women take the plunge and marry themselves -- I'll keep you posted because I'm not just writing to be clever -- I'm happily serious. I'm so excited -- what to wear, the ring, the reception!" JEANNE relates that, "Over 10 years ago, my best friend and I married ourselves so that we would always remember to be true to ourselves. We had each inherited wedding rings, [and] we wore them on our right hands and swore to each other that each would remind the other one if we thought that person was being false to his or herself. Doug has [since] passed on and was buried with his ring. I still wear mine on my right hand and I swear I can feel him give me a swift kick in the butt whenever I even think about trying to fool/lie to myself. Glad to see someone else has finally come up with the same idea!" And T envisions some new traditions writing, "For my self-wedding, I would bring two items to represent something about myself that the wedding would -- lovingly, of course -- [both] kill and give birth too; symbols of transformation that I can promise to be faithful to. They could even be based on the same theme. For example, I could bring a hard, thick, work boot and a soft, fuzzy, bunny-slipper to symbolize my vow to be more light-hearted when kicking my own ass. Each year on my anniversary, I would bring two more items." Here's JOAN's story: "A few years ago I was one of the directors of a non-profit art gallery in Chicago. We often held fundraisers to offset the diminishment of funding. One of the events we held every year was called Grotto d'Amore wherein a group of artists came together to transform the gallery into a wedding chapel/grotto of love and dance party. All who came to the grotto could marry, learn about tantric sex in a pup tent, get their legs or arms or heads or genitals shaved, eat cake and dance. They could also get instant divorces if it didnŐt work out at the end of the night. Very few got divorced. We had all kinds of ceremonies including one where a group of seven lesbians wed, a gay man married his German Shepherd, a woman married a photograph of her imprisoned convict lover, and even some hetero and gay couples tied the knot. It was a lot of fun and I suppose subversive, but the first priority was fun. Everyone danced wildly whether they married or not." One final note: Lest we believe too strongly that marriage, even to ourselves, HAS to be forever, let's consider the possibility of temporary unions. The Church of the Subgenius offers a special rite called the Shor-Dur-Mar, or Short Duration Marriage. To apply, go here: http://www.ibiblio.org/subgenius/marriage.html |
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© 1995-2008 -- Rob Brezsny. All rights reserved
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