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Prayer for You
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Prophecies the National Enquirer Refuses to Publish! Part Two
Read Part One hereExclusive from America's only psychic journalist and politically-cracked seer! Rob Brezsny reports the news before it happens! Here are the prophecies that the National Enquirer refuses to publish! Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is entirely intentional! GENOCIDE OF THE IMAGINATION NARROWLY AVERTED * A Consitututional Convention in 2002 will produce a New Bill of Rights. Among its new amendments: All Americans must be rewarded financially in direct proportion to how much beauty they create. * The government will begin paying subsidies to some lawyers so they won't practice law -- much as it now pays supermarket chains to keep cheese off the market when there is too much and the excess would bring prices down. * The word "asshole" will begin to be used widely as a term of endearment rather than of abuse. * Supernatural apparitions of National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice will outnumber those of the Virgin Mary 4-1. Furthermore, Rice's apparitions will be higher class, appearing on the hoods of lobbyists' BMWs and the wine glasses of legitimate scientists, and never on pizza billboards or oil slicks in parking lots, as the Virgin's sometimes do. * Citing the growing threat from "entertainment criminals" who relentlessly create soul-shriveling films, TV shows, music, and magazines, Amnesty International will launch a campaign against a previously unacknowledged form of terrorism: the genocide of the imagination. MILLIONS VISUALIZE MOTHER TERESA AT THE MOMENT OF ORGASM, DIVERTING DOOMSDAY ASTEROID FROM COLLISION WITH EARTH * Amazon biologists in Sweden will furnish conclusive evidence that men have "periods" analagous to a woman's menstrual cycle. They seem to correspond to changes in the relationship between Earth and the planet Mars, the biologists will claim. At the peak of the male "marstral cycle," which can last up to 10 days a month, the adrenal glands release a hormone which make men more likely to be irritable, more skilled at disguising their irrational impulses with logical explanations, out of touch with their feelings, and prone to violence and poor judgment. There's also a vulnerable phase preceding the period, which the biologists have dubbed PMS, or Pathological Macho Stress. * The recovered memories movement will take a bizarre turn when many adult children begin to recall under hypnosis long-suppressed memories of joy and peace experienced when they were children. * To demonstrate their lasting commitment to serving the needs of the American consumer, some corporations will buy mountains and carve their trademarks and logos into the rock -- much like Mt. Rushmore. * It will become fashionable, as well as powerful, to act insane. People with the least control over their emotions will dominate their peer groups because everyone else will do everything possible to keep them from getting into bad moods. * Stunning new trends will include gay children, holistic crack, and computers that can talk to the Goddess. Also look for digitally remastered CDs of the Big Bang, the discovery of a 6,000-year old TV, and an aphrodisiac that stimulates compassion even more than sexual passion. SOMETIMES YOU ENJOY IT MORE WHEN YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND IT * All anchorpersons will be required by law to open their shows with the disclaimer, "The Surgeon General has determined that I am a highly paid entertainer who never lets the facts stand in the way of a good story." * Peer pressure causes earthquakes. Or so will be the thesis of a gossip-prone geologist from Stanford in an article titled, "The Role of Fashion in Natural Disasters." * An organization calling itself Morality Is Trendy will launch a successful boycott of all products that advertise on TV shows that refuse to depict in a favorable light the following: talking hummingbirds, green eggs and ham, senior citizens playing water polo, and healthy people with multiple personalities. * Not one single person in Ulan Bataar will have fat cells from their butt injected into their forehead to smooth away wrinkles. * Budweiser's new ad campaign will feature the slogan, "This Bud's for you, †berman." * Body-mutilation as fashion statement will leap to its final frontier with eyeball-piercing and brain tattoos. * True "personality" as we know it will begin to die out as more and more people perform imitations of composite characters they've assembled in their mind's eye by watching celebrities they admire. RENOUNCING YOUR HOROSCOPE IS OK, SAYS PROMINENT SCIENTIST * Distorted propaganda about psychic phenomena and mysticism will reach an all-time high as the media seeks out "pop-occult" information exclusively from charlatans, anti-intellectual mystics, brainwashed scientists, celebrity-watching astrologers, and constipated "debunkers" who fear the right side of their own brains. * The newest militant minority will be Dreamaniacs, people who religiously get at least nine hours of sleep a night, and think everyone else should too. They'll claim that sleep-deprivation is primarily responsible for the decline of civilization, and proselytize obnoxiously about salvation through lucid dreams. * Major League Baseball and the National Football League will follow the lead of many other American corporations by placing franchises in Third World countries. Grateful native athletes will play for teams like the Managua Cobras and the Manila Roosters for only a few dollars a day. * True "personality" as we know it will begin to die out as more and more people perform imitations of composite characters they've assembled in their mind's eye by watching celebrities they admire. * In a shocking display of solidarity with women, more than 30 percent of all American men will wear veils on International Women's Day in 2002. GANGS OF CELEBRITY ANCHORMEN ARRESTED FOR IMAGE-LOOTING * The strangest new political movement will be that of the Liberal Superpatriots. They'll make the controversial assertion that paying taxes is the greatest patriotic duty one can exercise, far more than serving in the military. * There'll be a spin-off from the karaoke concept: nightclubs where groups of soap opera fans can re-enact their favorite episodes. * Researchers will uncover stunning evidence that vegetables have an intensity of consciousness and feeling much closer to animals than has previously been suspected. Many vegetarians will renounce their previous diets and swear to eat only milk and honey. * Botched genetic experiments will create a strain of mutant bacteria that causes people to hate opinion polls. * A Buddhist real estate magnate will build a chain of sacred shopping centers in the American heartland. * With all the money they've saved from not having to pay any taxes at all, three of the top military contractors will join together to buy stuffed animals for the 20 million underfed children in America. * Acting on the principle that no publicity is bad publicity, the postal service will make a succession of controversial moves to boost profits. Americans will howl with outrage, for instance, but stampede to buy the "mass murderer" line of stamps, which will feature, among others, Jeffrey Dahmler, Charlie Manson, Saddam Hussein, and Ollie North. * Christian politician Pat Robertson will call for a revival of the medieval Crusades. Hundreds of thousands of fundamentalist Christians dressed in 13th century garb will descend on Washington, Hollywood, and Wall Street, digging in to lay seige to America's centers of power armed with nothing more than catapults that hurl heavy stones and flaming bags of cow manure. WITHOUT THE MEDIA, LIFE ITSELF WOULD BE IMPOSSIBLE * Newspapers will influence people to do 20 percent more mean, dumb, and depersonalizing things than will TV. Movies will do it 33 percent more. * Advertising slogan of the year: "He who dies with the best advertising wins." * Headline of the year: WORLD'S FIRST BILLION-DOLLAR COMMERCIAL. * New speeded-up video versions of movies will help viewers who're pressed for time to use their leisure more efficiently. The videos will run 50 percent faster than the original without any loss in audio clarity. * The national murder rate will plummet after a cable TV network begins to broadcast live childbirths 24 hours a day. |
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© 1995-2008 -- Rob Brezsny. All rights reserved
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