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Horoscopes for week of April 5, 2007

Verticle Oracle card Aries (March 21-April 19)
On April 1, 1976, British astronomer Patrick Moore told his radio listeners that a rare configuration of Jupiter and Pluto was occurring. So dramatically would it affect Earth's gravity, he said, that they might feel lighter than usual, and perhaps even be able to float up into the air. I'm wondering if we can expect a similar phenomena this week. There's a rare grand trine in fire signs, with Jupiter in Sagittarius, Saturn in Leo, and the sun in Aries. Especially for you, the buoyancy factor will be in full play, and levels of levity will be at a maximum. If you can't actually fly, you'll probably get higher than you've been in a long time.


No one knows you better than you do. But maybe you'll be inspired to dig up even more self-knowledge if you tune in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE for the week ahead.

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Since 1994, Mexico's Zapatistas have evolved from a small guerrilla army fighting for the rights of indigenous people to an international cultural force whose battles are mostly waged with symbols and words. The Zapatista leader, who goes by the pseudonym Subcomandante Marcos, always appears in public wearing a mask. Every 12 months or so, his old mask wears out and he has to replace it with a fresh one.

I think this would be a good standard for all of us to live up to: to molt our personas, or social masks, at least once a year. It's that time for you.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Barnes & Noble.



 
  Verticle Oracle card Taurus (April 20-May 20)
"It is by going down into the abyss that you recover the treasures of life," wrote mythologist Joseph Campbell. "Where you stumble, there lies your treasure." Keep those thoughts uppermost in mind, Taurus. You've dared to crawl down into the abyss, and that's admirable. But now comes the most important part: your stumble. Be alert for every detail about it. It's the key to your future treasure.


What greater adventure is there than exploring the enigmas of your unique destiny? For more hints, listen to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE for the week ahead.

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In some spiritual traditions, devotees attempt an arduous process of self-transformation as they retrain themselves to perceive the world from God's point of view. If they succeed, they're honored with an initiation ritual and given a new name to consecrate their altered state.

I have the same problem with this custom that I have with the idea of enlightenment: Once isn’t enough. Just as anyone in his or her right spiritual mind has a duty to keep claiming fresh varieties of enlightenment until the end of time, so should the initiations and renamings continue forever.

In my opinion, these considerations apply to you. You may not have sequestered yourself for years in a mountaintop monastery, and you may not have risen every morning at 5 a.m. to say prayers for hours, but you are an authentic devotee who has undergone equivalent ordeals. Your spiritual transformation has unfolded as you've dealt with the challenges of daily life during our epic moment in history, when unprecedented levels of annihilation and resurrection are the norm.

You have earned the right, therefore, to enjoy enlightenment after enlightenment and initiation after initiation and renaming after renaming.

I invite you to get started with a do-it-yourself initiation ceremony. It doesn't have to be long and complicated, and you can create it yourself. As an example of what you might do, here's a ritual that some Beauty and Truth Laboratory's initiates have performed: 1. Eat a pinch of dirt to declare your solidarity with Mother Earth. 2. Burn a five-dollar bill to purify your relationship with symbols of wealth. 3. Kick yourself in the ass to affirm your ongoing intention to discipline your shadow.

As one of your initiatory rewards, consider adopting a fresh alias during this and every initiation you carry out in the future. You can abandon your existing name if you want, or simply add your new tag to the current mix.

To celebrate the occasion, I invoke on your behalf the inspiration of all shedding things. Your tree of power will be the eucalyptus, whose bark peels away to reveal fresh layers beneath. Your lucky symbol will be the molting snake. Your sacred insect will be the silverfish, which bursts through its exoskeleton as it grows a new and bigger one. Your role model will be Japanese artist Hokusai (1760–1849), who had such a passionate commitment to reinventing himself that he celebrated 60 births, each time giving himself a new name.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Barnes & Noble.



 
  Verticle Oracle card Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Is the universe inherently friendly to human beings? The answer's got to either be yes or no. It can't be in between. Whatever you might be inclined to believe, you've got to agree that there's no way to know which is true with absolute certainty. So then isn't it stupid and self-destructive to live your life as if the universe is unfriendly? Doing so tends to cast a pall over everything. But if on the other hand you proceed on the hypothesis that the universe is friendly, you're inclined to interpret everything that occurs as a gift, however challenging it may be to figure out its purpose at first. Your assignment this week, should you choose to accept it, is to live as if the latter theory were true.


Got enough clues to chew on for a while? If you need more, give yourself the luxury of your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE for the week ahead.

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At the heart of the pronoiac way of life is an apparent conundrum: You can have anything you want if you'll just ask for it in an unselfish way. The trick to making this work is to locate where your deepest ambition coincides with the greatest gift you have to give. Figure out how the universe, by providing you with abundance, can improve the lot of everyone whose life you touch. Seek the fulfillment of your fondest desires in such a way that you become a fount of blessings.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Barnes & Noble.



 
  Verticle Oracle card Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Depending on which surveys you choose to believe, the job satisfaction rate is either abysmally low or surprisingly high. Sirota Consulting, an attitude research company, found that 76 percent of all workers like their jobs. But the Conference Board, a management advisory group, put the figure at less than 50 percent. Wherever the truth may lie, you Cancerians have a great chance to skew the data upward during all of 2007. And you're now in a phase that offers the best possible opportunities for getting that prospect in full swing. I suggest you concentrate on upgrading your relationship to work in every way you can imagine.


How much do you want to know about your destiny? How far do you dare to go? For more insight into your intriguing fate, tune in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE for the week ahead.

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Every January 1, many people make New Year's resolutions, promising to embark on programs of self-improvement. But your assignment now, should you choose to accept it, is to create a list of ANTI-resolutions.

Here are some questions to guide you: 1. What outlandish urges and controversial tendencies do you promise to cultivate in the coming months? 2. What nagging irritations will you ignore and avoid with even greater ingenuity? 3. What problems do you promise to exploit in order to have even more fun as you make the status quo accountable for its corruption? 4. What boring rules and traditions will you thumb your nose at, paving the way for exciting encounters with strange attractors?
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Barnes & Noble.



 
  Verticle Oracle card Leo (July 23-August 22)
This week features a spectacularly beneficent cosmic portent. Jupiiter, Saturn, and the sun are forming a grand trine in the fire signs. The last time this happened was 80 years ago. While many uncanny redemptions will germinate during this electric grace period, not all will become immediately visible; some may even take years to reveal themselves. But there's one phenomenon that I suspect will show up vividly in the lives of many Leos: a vision of how to restructure your life so as to express your unique individuality in the most creatively satisfying ways. Pay close attention.


Want more help in exploring the Great Mystery that is your life? I discuss your coming week in greater depth in your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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Speak the following lines out loud:
I love everything about me
I love my uncanny beauty and my bewildering pain
I love my hungry soul and my wounded longing
I love my flaws, my fears, and my scary frontiers

I will never forsake, betray, or deceive myself
I will always adore, forgive, and believe in myself
I will never refuse, abandon, or scorn myself
I will always amuse, delight, and redeem myself
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Barnes & Noble.


 
  Verticle Oracle card Virgo (August 23-September 22)
The Dalai Lama, one of the planet's superheroes, was born during a rare grand trine of Jupiter, Saturn, and sun in the water signs. This week those same planets will conduct an equally extraordinary grand trine in the fire signs. At the very least, I expect the birth of a sublime being whose benevolence will one day match the Dalai Lama's. I also suspect that millions of other wonders will hatch, a disproportionate amount of which will be engendered by you Virgos. Your fertility is at a peak, as is your knack for creating interesting goodness and cathartic beauty.


Want more clues? Need further insight? For more evocative questions and pithy suggestions about your destiny, check out your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE for the week ahead.

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You’re a star—and so am I. I’m a genius—and so are you. Your success encourages my brilliance, and my charisma enhances your power. Your victory doesn’t require my defeat, and vice versa. Those are the rules in the New World—quite unlike the rules in the Old World, where zero-sum games are the norm, and only one of us can win each time we play.

In the New World, you don’t have to tone down or apologize for your prowess, because you love it when other people shine. You exult in your own excellence without regarding it as a sign of inherent superiority. As you ripen more and more of your latent aptitude, you inspire the rest of us to claim our own idiosyncratic magnificence.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Barnes & Noble.



 
  Verticle Oracle card Libra (September 23-October 22)
"Dear Rob: I'm wondering if you have any information about spirit husbands, especially about how to meet them and release them. Someone once told me that before you can find your actual husband, you must first meet and release your spirit husband. I'd appreciate any info, as I think I had a close encounter with my spirit husband last night, but scared him away. -Lovesick Libra." Dear Lovesick: I confess I've never heard of "spirit husbands" before. But I do know this: You Libras are in an astrological phase when you'll have great success if you try to exorcise ghosts, fantasies, and projections that might be interfering with you having actual relationships with real soul friends and soul mates.


Want to hear more about the hidden factors influencing your life? Listen to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE for the week ahead.

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For some seekers, spiritual enlightenment is the ultimate commodity. They believe that through diligent meditation and self-improvement, there will come a day when it will no longer elude their grasp. Breaking through to the singular state of cosmic consciousness, they will forever after own it, free and clear. Permanently illuminated! Never to backslide into the dull ignominy of normal human awareness!

Here's what I have to say about that: It's a delusion.

The fact is, the nature of perfection is always mutating. What constitutes enlightenment today will always be different tomorrow. Even if you're fortunate and wise enough to score a sliver of "enlightenment," it's not a static treasure that becomes your indestructible, everlasting possession. Rather, it remains a mercurial knack that must be continually re-earned.

If you want to befriend the Divine Wow, you must not only be willing to change ceaselessly—you have to love to change ceaselessly.

Lucky you: All of creation is conspiring to help you live like that.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Barnes & Noble.


 
  Verticle Oracle card Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
"I am fragile, delicate, and sensitive. That is my strength." The Indian spiritual teacher Osho said that, and I hope you will now make a similar vow. The power that you'll have available to you in the coming weeks will be very different from the power that conventional wisdom admires. It will be a moral force that stems from your courage to be joyfully awake in the face of chaos . . . a luxurious gravitas that's rooted in your lucid vulnerability . . . a resilient authority that grows from your determination to meet every challenge with humble innocence.


What blessings will life bring you? What challenges will you be invited to dive into? To explore the ripening trends further, tune in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE for the week ahead.

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The Golden Rule is a decent ethical principle, but it could be even better. "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" presumes that others enjoy what you enjoy. But that's wrong. There are many things you'd like to have done unto you that others would either despise or be bored by. Here's a new, improved formulation, which we call the Platinum Rule: Do unto others as they would like to have you do unto them.

Using this improved formula is not just a virtuous way to live, but is also the best way to ensure the success of your selfish goals. The rituals and spells of various occult orders purport to be supercharged techniques for imposing your personal will on the chaotic flow of events, but I say that practicing the Platinum Rule outstrips all of them as an exercise to enhance your power and happiness.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Barnes & Noble.



 
  Verticle Oracle card Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
One of my readers, Native American Ruth McLeod, reports that she has never mentioned the Easter Bunny to her young kids. Instead, she tells them about the Easter Coyote, the fun-loving, mischief-making spirit of spring whose job it is to hide goodies and play tricks, thereby lightening people's moods and getting them to take themselves less seriously. I expect that you'll soon be getting multiple visits from the Easter Coyote, Sagittarius. Prepare to shed the heaviness left over from March as you welcome amusing interruptions that will tweak your perspective in ways that make you smarter.


Need a few more whacks applied to your mental blocks? A few more caresses administered to your growing edge? Cruise on over to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE for the week ahead.

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HELP WANTED. Practical dreamers with high emotional intelligence needed to become experts in the following subjects: the art of possessing abundant resources without feeling greed or a sense of superiority; the science of cultivating luxurious comfort in a way that does not lead to spiritual sloth; and a knack for enjoying peace and serenity without diluting one's ambition. Write [email protected]
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Barnes & Noble.


 
  Verticle Oracle card Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
"When you argue with reality, you lose 100 percent of the time," says teacher Byron Katie. So how do you cure yourself of the bad habit of arguing with reality? Love what is, she advises. Gladly and gracefully accept who you are and the life you've been given. But more than that: Ask yourself whether the beliefs you have about who you are and the life you've been given are actually true. Let's say, for example, you've been infected with the belief that you'll never get the love you want. Is that an objective, rock-solid fact about reality, or is it a fearful fantasy? If it's the latter, then you don't even have to argue with it. Just drop it.


Where do you want to go? Who do you want to be? For more clues, tune in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE for the week ahead. *

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Most religions designate a special class of people—priests, rabbis, ayatollahs—to oversee official communications with the Source. This has led to a prevailing assumption, even among those who don't follow an established faith, that we can't initiate a divine conversation without the aid of a professional class of trained mediators. Among some sects of the ancient gnostics, in contrast, everyone was regarded as a potential prophet who could experience epiphanies worthy of becoming part of the ever-evolving doctrine.

As you create your own spiritual path, experiment with this approach. What might you do to eliminate the middleman and commune directly with the Source?

Name the ways you already use this approach, and brainstorm about others you might like to try.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Barnes & Noble.



 
  Verticle Oracle card Aquarius (January 20- February 18)
Saturn and Neptune have been in opposition since August, and will continue to be until late June. This omen tells us that it's prime time to dissolve rigid, outworn structures in both our personal lives and in society. Meanwhile, a grand trine in the fire signs is now upon us, featuring Jupiter, Saturn, and the sun. To celebrate this auspicious portent, you should think hard about how you can communicate better. Make new connections and alliances that will serve your long-term happiness. Scheme about how to get your good ideas heard by people who can help you manifest them. And for extra credit, Aquarius, meditate on how to coordinate the opportunities afforded you by the fire trine with the creatively destructive possibilities offered by the Saturn-Neptune dance.


Do you want further explorations of the intriguing twists and turns of your personal evolution? Check out your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE for the week ahead.

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Review in painstaking detail the history of your life, honoring every moment as if you were conducting a benevolent Judgment Day.

Forgive yourself of every mistake except one.

Create a royal crown for yourself out of a shower cap, rubber bands, and light bulbs.

Think of the last place on earth you'd ever want to visit, and visualize yourself having fun there.

Test to see if people are really listening to you by asserting that Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers.

Steal lint from dryers in laundromats and use it to make animal sculptures for someone you admire.

Fantasize you're the child of divine parents who abandoned you when you were two days old, but who will soon be coming back to reunite with you.

Meditate on how one of the symbols of plenitude in Nepal is a mongoose vomiting jewels.

Once a year on the day before your birthday, say these words into a mirror: "It's bad luck to be superstitious."

Start a club whose purpose is to produce an archive of controversial jokes and obscene limericks about beauty, truth, and love.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Barnes & Noble.


 
  Verticle Oracle card Pisces (February 19-March 18)
Paul Revere was a hero in the Revolutionary War, renowned for the midnight horse ride he risked to warn American militias of an imminent British attack. After it was over, he sent a bill for his work to the local rebel organization, the Committee of Safety. Four months later he was finally paid, although with a sum lower than the one he invoiced. Let's compare these details to your imminent future, Pisces. First, I think that like Revere, you should ask forcefully to be rewarded for your idealistic efforts. But second, don't be crushed if in response you're treated as he was--paid late and in a smaller amount than you wanted. Third, there's a good chance you'll receive additional compensation from unexpected sources--maybe not exactly like Revere's lasting fame, but something of value to you.


Need more help with your riddles? Crave more support in your efforts to build your courage? Check out your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE for the week ahead.

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Say this: "Novel intuitions are now erupting from my smart heart, awakening me from any trance I've been ensnared in. I am hereby breaking and escaping obstructions that have hindered my ability to express my soul's code. All of my unique capacities are being unleashed, all of my potentials activated. I recognize that I'm a miraculous work of art, a masterpiece unlike any other ever created in the history of the world."

Say this: "I am a genius. I am a lucky, plucky, good-sucking genius."
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Barnes & Noble.



 
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