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Horoscopes for week of March 25, 2010

Verticle Oracle card Aries (March 21-April 19)
All but one of our planet's mountain ranges have been mapped: the Gamburtsev Mountains, which are buried under 2.5 miles of ice in Antarctica. Recent efforts to get a read on this craggy landscape, aided by a network of seismic instruments, have revealed some initial details about it, including its role in forming the East Antarctic Ice Sheet. I recommend that you regard the Gamburtsevs as an iconic metaphor in the coming months, Aries. They'll be an apt symbol for one of your life's featured themes: the discovery and exploration of a massive unknown territory that has been hidden from view.


Factual information and reasonable thinking alone are not sufficient to guide you through life's labyrinthine tests. You need and deserve regular deliveries of uncanny revelation. One of your inalienable rights as a human being should therefore be to receive mysteriously useful omens on a regular basis. In this spirit, I offer you the free weekly horoscopes you read here. If you ever want more, and think it's worth paying for, try my daily text message 'scopes or my expanded audio 'scopes.

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As a boy, renowned Spanish matador Manolete was a sissy. He rarely played outside, preferring to be near his mother as he read books and painted pictures.

Psychologist James Hillman explains this by suggesting that the youthful Manolete had already sensed his destiny, intuiting that one day he would be alone in the ring facing down angry 2,000-pound bulls. His childhood behavior was a way of marshaling his strength and shielding him from the enormity of the challenges he would seek out one day.

Is it possible that what you have considered a weakness or vulnerability has actually been preparing you to express a signature strength?
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The preceding oracle comes from my new book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.



 
  Verticle Oracle card Taurus (April 20-May 20)
It's my opinion that everyone has a duty to periodically check in with themselves to make sure they still are who they say they are. Over time, there's a tendency for all of us to fall into the habit of believing our own hype. We get entranced by the persona we project. We're tempted to keep capitalizing on our past accomplishments in ways that lull us into complacency and give us unconscious permission to stop growing. You, Taurus, are in no worse danger of doing this than any of the rest of us. But the coming weeks will be an excellent time, astrologically speaking, for you to do an intensive check-in.


Factual information and reasonable thinking alone are not sufficient to guide you through life's labyrinthine tests. You need and deserve regular deliveries of uncanny revelation. One of your inalienable rights as a human being should therefore be to receive mysteriously useful omens on a regular basis. In this spirit, I offer you the free weekly horoscopes you read here. If you ever want more, and think it's worth paying for, try my daily text message 'scopes or my expanded audio 'scopes.

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Six miles from Maui is a Hawaiian island that tourists never visit Kaho'olawe. The U.S. Navy seized it in 1941 and used it as a target range for decades. After years of protests by native Hawaiians, the Navy finally stopped bombing and began a clean-up campaign. In November 2003, it formally turned control of the island over to the rightful owners.

"You can get a feel on Kaho'olawe of what it was like to live on Hawaii at the time of our ancestors," says Native Hawaiian Davianna McGregor. "We can practice our traditions there without it being a tourist attraction. It's one place we can go to be in communion with our natural life forces."

Each of us has a personal version of Kaho'olawe: a part of our psyche that has been stolen or colonized by hostile forces. To grow bold in exploring pronoia, you'll need to take back yours.
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The preceding oracle comes from my new book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.



 
  Verticle Oracle card Gemini (May 21-June 20)
The odds are higher than usual that you'll encounter a future soul brother or soul sister in the coming weeks. Potential allies are gravitating toward you, even if neither they nor you are aware of it yet. You're also likely to brush up against a tribe or team you could benefit from knowing more about. That's why I'm counseling you to be extra open to meeting people you don't know. Talk to strangers. Ask your friends to introduce you to their friends. And consider the possibility of skipping over the customary social formalities so you can reveal some of the core truths about who you are right from the start.


Factual information and reasonable thinking alone are not sufficient to guide you through life's labyrinthine tests. You need and deserve regular deliveries of uncanny revelation. One of your inalienable rights as a human being should therefore be to receive mysteriously useful omens on a regular basis. In this spirit, I offer you the free weekly horoscopes you read here. If you ever want more, and think it's worth paying for, try my daily text message 'scopes or my expanded audio 'scopes.

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Sometimes we have a strong sense of what our destiny is calling us to do, but we don't feel quite ready or brave enough to answer the call. We need a push, an intervention, a serendipitous stroke -- what you might call "fate bait." It's a person or event that awakens our dormant willpower and draws us inexorably toward our necessary destiny; it's a thunderbolt or siren song or stage whisper that gives us a good excuse to go do what we know we should do.

Do you have any ideas about how to put yourself in the vicinity of your fate bait?
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The preceding oracle comes from my new book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.



 
  Verticle Oracle card Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Sci-fi author Neil Gaiman sometimes invites his readers to get involved in his creative process. While working on the story "Metamorpho," for example, he Twittered, "Trying to decide if broccoli is funnier than kohlrabi in a list of vegetables." When a number of fans suggested "rutabaga" instead, he took their suggestion. (Thanks to The New Yorker for that report.) I'd like to borrow Gaiman's approach, as you're entering a phase of your astrological cycle when you'll have maximum power to shape your own destiny. So here's my question: What accomplishment would you like your horoscope to say you will complete by May 15? Email me at [email protected]


Factual information and reasonable thinking alone are not sufficient to guide you through life's labyrinthine tests. You need and deserve regular deliveries of uncanny revelation. One of your inalienable rights as a human being should therefore be to receive mysteriously useful omens on a regular basis. In this spirit, I offer you the free weekly horoscopes you read here. If you ever want more, and think it's worth paying for, try my daily text message 'scopes or my expanded audio 'scopes.

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During my years in college, I enjoyed watching the evolution of Richard, a shy geek in my creative writing classes. Long before he penned a single good poem, he was a bohemian art poseur. On his backpack there was a button with the image of rock poet Patti Smith. He often wore a T-shirt bearing a quote from poetry icon Allen Ginsberg, and he was never without his book of Rimbaud poems. Everywhere I went I saw him scribbling ostentatiously in his journal as he chain-smoked clove cigarettes.

To my surprise, Richard's work gradually began to match his persona. By sophomore year he'd spawned some evocative poems, and soon after he graduated, he published a fine chapbook. In his development I witnessed a perfect example of the saying, "You become what you pretend to be."

Your assignment: Decide what you want to become, and start pretending to be that thing. Or else: Be careful what you're unconsciously pretending to be, because you just might become it.
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The preceding oracle comes from my new book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.



 
  Verticle Oracle card Leo (July 23-August 22)
From the 9th to the 15th century, the Khmer empire thrived in what is now Cambodia. Its rulers were regarded as deities who had privileges that common folk didn't have -- as well as special responsibilities. For example, each god-king was expected, according to custom, to engage in sexual relations with a sacred nine-headed serpent every single night, whether he was in the mood or not. (An actual human being usually served as a proxy for the magic snake.) I suspect you may get an inkling of the god-king's double-edged situation in the coming week, Leo. On the one hand, you're likely to be presented with the possibility of experiencing uncommonly interesting pleasure. On the other hand, there may be an obligatory quality to it -- a slightly oppressive pressure that is fully blended with the bliss.


Factual information and reasonable thinking alone are not sufficient to guide you through life's labyrinthine tests. You need and deserve regular deliveries of uncanny revelation. One of your inalienable rights as a human being should therefore be to receive mysteriously useful omens on a regular basis. In this spirit, I offer you the free weekly horoscopes you read here. If you ever want more, and think it's worth paying for, try my daily text message 'scopes or my expanded audio 'scopes.

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In his book Starbucked, Taylor Clark says there's a woman who goes to a Seattle Starbucks every morning and orders a "decaf single grande extra vanilla two-percent extra caramel 185-degrees with whipped cream caramel macchiato."

Maybe her request seems overly fussy and demanding, but it could be a good act for you to mimic. Try this: For a given time, say 12 days, be equally as exacting in asking for what you want. Assume that you have a poetic license to be extremely specific as you go about your quest for fulfillment.
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The preceding oracle comes from my new book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.


 
  Verticle Oracle card Virgo (August 23-September 22)
According to the oracular priestess at the ancient Greek shrine of Delphi, whom I consulted in my dream last night, your code phrases for the week are "luminous shadow" and "hidden light." That was the gist of her entire message; she didn't provide any more practical clues. But here are some ways I might interpret her prophecy if I were you: What dark place in your life might soon shine forth with a new radiance? Or: What secret beauty is aching to be found? Or: What odd asset have you been concealing for no good reason?


Factual information and reasonable thinking alone are not sufficient to guide you through life's labyrinthine tests. You need and deserve regular deliveries of uncanny revelation. One of your inalienable rights as a human being should therefore be to receive mysteriously useful omens on a regular basis. In this spirit, I offer you the free weekly horoscopes you read here. If you ever want more, and think it's worth paying for, try my daily text message 'scopes or my expanded audio 'scopes.

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"Why, I don't even respect myself, I tell ya," said comedian Rodney Dangerfield. "When I make love, I have to fantasize that I am somebody else!"

Experiment with just the second half of that formulation. While you're making love, fantasize that you're somebody else. But do it because you care deeply about yourself -- so deeply that you want to transcend your customary reactions and expand your identity. Do it because you dare to awaken to previously unknown possibilities of who you might be.
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The preceding oracle comes from my new book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.



 
  Verticle Oracle card Libra (September 23-October 22)
In my role as moral sentinel, I strongly urge you not to watch "Telephone," the music video by Lady Gaga and Beyonce. It epitomizes everything that's crazy-making about our culture: brilliantly executed, gorgeous to behold, and perversely seductive, even though its subject matter is degrading, demoralizing, and devoid of meaning. In my role as a kick-ass educator, however, I encourage you to watch the video at least once. I think you'd benefit from seeing such an explicit embodiment of the crazy-making pressures you'll be wise to avoid exposing yourself to in the coming weeks. You can find it here or here.


Factual information and reasonable thinking alone are not sufficient to guide you through life's labyrinthine tests. You need and deserve regular deliveries of uncanny revelation. One of your inalienable rights as a human being should therefore be to receive mysteriously useful omens on a regular basis. In this spirit, I offer you the free weekly horoscopes you read here. If you ever want more, and think it's worth paying for, try my daily text message 'scopes or my expanded audio 'scopes.

*

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There was an indignant uproar after revelations in 2006 that James Frey's best-selling "memoir" A Million Little Pieces contains fabrications. He hadn't actually lived all of the experiences he depicted therein.

Hearing about it prompted me to ruminate on whether there's any such thing as a completely accurate account of any person's life. My conclusion: no.

In every autobiography and biography ever written, the author imaginatively strings together selectively chosen details to conjure up artificially coherent narratives rather than depicting the crazy-quilt ambiguity that actually characterizes everyone's journey.

If you and nine writers set out to tell your life story, you'd produce 10 wildly different tales, each rife with subjective interpretation, misplaced emphasis, unintentional distortions, and exorbitant extrapolations from insufficient data.

Celebrate the malleability of reality. Regale listeners with stories about the time you worked as a pirate in the Indian Ocean, or rode the rails through Kansas as a hobo, or gave a down-on-his-luck CIA agent sage advice in an elevator. When you call to get pizza delivered and the clerk who takes your order asks your name, say you're Brad Pitt or Paris Hilton. When someone you're meeting is annoyed because you're late, say you couldn't help it because you were smoking crack in the bus station bathroom with your mom's guru and lost track of time. If asked how much education you have, say you have three PhDs, one each in astrobiology, Russian literature, and whale songs.
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The preceding oracle comes from my new book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.


 
  Verticle Oracle card Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
"Most of the time, life does not talk to you," writes Robert T. Kiyosaki in his book *Rich Dad, Poor Dad.* "It just sort of pushes you around. Each push is life saying, 'Wake up. There's something I want you to learn.'" Different people respond in different ways, Kiyosaki says. "Some just let life push them around. Others get angry and push back. But they push back against their boss, or their job, or their husband or wife. They do not know it's life that's pushing." I'm here to tell you, Scorpio, that what he says is particularly apropos for you right now. And I hope that you will neither allow yourself to get pushed around nor blame the wrong source for the push. Instead, make yourself available to learn the lesson that life's nudging you to pay attention to.


Factual information and reasonable thinking alone are not sufficient to guide you through life's labyrinthine tests. You need and deserve regular deliveries of uncanny revelation. One of your inalienable rights as a human being should therefore be to receive mysteriously useful omens on a regular basis. In this spirit, I offer you the free weekly horoscopes you read here. If you ever want more, and think it's worth paying for, try my daily text message 'scopes or my expanded audio 'scopes.

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George III was King of England from 1760 to 1820. During the last years of his reign, he gradually became more and more detached from reality, talking to himself for hours on end and addressing trees as if they were people. When he first began losing his mind, his servants and assistants made a conscious decision to help him feel more comfortable by acting eccentric themselves.

Their collusion with George's pathology is an extreme example of a situation that all of us are at risk of. Our associates and loved ones may fall into a rhythm of going along with our odd ideas and bad habits, encouraging us to continue doing what we probably shouldn't do.

Are your allies refraining from busting you or calling your bluff, when they probably should? Bust yourself. Call your own bluff.
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The preceding oracle comes from my new book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.



 
  Verticle Oracle card Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
NASA scientist Richard Gross believes that the recent 8.8 earthquake in Chile was so strong that it shifted the planet's axis and shortened the length of the day. The amounts were relatively small -- three inches and 1.26 microseconds -- but it was enough to make "the Earth ring like a bell." I predict a somewhat comparable seismic shift for you in the coming weeks. The main difference is that yours will not be generated by a painful jolt but rather by a breakthrough that's half smart and half lucky.


Factual information and reasonable thinking alone are not sufficient to guide you through life's labyrinthine tests. You need and deserve regular deliveries of uncanny revelation. One of your inalienable rights as a human being should therefore be to receive mysteriously useful omens on a regular basis. In this spirit, I offer you the free weekly horoscopes you read here. If you ever want more, and think it's worth paying for, try my daily text message 'scopes or my expanded audio 'scopes.

*

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If a cow is given a name by her owner, she generates more milk than a cow that's treated as an anonymous member of the herd. That's the conclusion of a study done by researchers at Newcastle University in the UK. "Placing more importance on knowing the individual animals and calling them by name," said Dr. Catherine Douglas, "can significantly increase milk production."

Building on that principle, I suggest that you give everything in your world names, including (but not limited to) houseplants, insects, cars, appliances, and trees. It will help you get more up-close and personal with all of creation, which is an effective way to cultivate pronoia.
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The preceding oracle comes from my new book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.


 
  Verticle Oracle card Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
In a library in Warsaw, there is a 1,000+-page memoir written by my great-great-great-great grandfather, Leon Dembowski, a close advisor to the last king of Poland. Someday I'll make a pilgrimage over there, photocopy that family heirloom, bring it back to America, and have it translated into English. The task I envision for you in the coming weeks, Capricorn, has a certain resemblance to mine. I think you will have the chance to uncover a wealth of material about where you came from, but it'll take a lot of footwork and reinterpretation.


Factual information and reasonable thinking alone are not sufficient to guide you through life's labyrinthine tests. You need and deserve regular deliveries of uncanny revelation. One of your inalienable rights as a human being should therefore be to receive mysteriously useful omens on a regular basis. In this spirit, I offer you the free weekly horoscopes you read here. If you ever want more, and think it's worth paying for, try my daily text message 'scopes or my expanded audio 'scopes.

*

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Sometimes the best gift you can give your ego is to tell it you're not going to be its slave anymore. You say to it, "I'm tired of being whipped around by every one of your ever-shifting little needs, and I'm sick of having to kowtow to your inexhaustible demands. I want to be free of your insatiable craving to be appreciated, recognized, and adored. Go away and leave me alone. I'm just going to be who I am without worrying about you at all."

Delivering this message may stimulate a healing crisis. Your ego could be temporarily rendered numb and irrelevant by its near death experience, and you'll get to go off and do what your soul wants to do.

Tell your ego you won't be its slave for a period of three days.
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The preceding oracle comes from my new book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.



 
  Verticle Oracle card Aquarius (January 20- February 18)
There's no need for you to get a t-shirt that says, "Oh no, not another learning experience." According to my analysis of the astrological omens, you are not about to have an embarrassing stumble that could in retrospect be euphemistically referred to as a "learning experience." On the contrary, the educational events you'll be communing with will be pretty pleasurable, and will more closely resemble a hop, skip, and a jump than a stumble.


Factual information and reasonable thinking alone are not sufficient to guide you through life's labyrinthine tests. You need and deserve regular deliveries of uncanny revelation. One of your inalienable rights as a human being should therefore be to receive mysteriously useful omens on a regular basis. In this spirit, I offer you the free weekly horoscopes you read here. If you ever want more, and think it's worth paying for, try my daily text message 'scopes or my expanded audio 'scopes.

*

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In American psychotherapy, the first question many practitioners ask their new clients is essentially, "What did your parents do to you to mess you up so badly?" One of my Japanese friends tells me that in his country, a therapist is more likely to ask, "What did your parents do for you? How did they nurture and support you?"

Without dismissing the possibility that your mom and dad did inflict damage on you, I'll ask you to concentrate on the Japanese-style inquiry for now. What are the best things that happened to you when you were growing up? What did your family and community give you that you've never fully appreciated?
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The preceding oracle comes from my new book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.


 
  Verticle Oracle card Pisces (February 19-March 18)
I'm inclined to prophesy that in the days to come, you may be able to read the minds of people whose actions are critical to your success. I also suspect that you will know exactly what to do in order to banish a minor health problem. I'm even tempted to believe that when you gaze into the mirror you will be more intrigued than you've been in a while. Have you ever heard a bird sing a song just for you? Did you ever find a small treasure you assumed was lost forever? Developments like those are in the works. There's only one catch: To get the most out of this grace period, you will have to summon more faith in yourself than you usually do.


Factual information and reasonable thinking alone are not sufficient to guide you through life's labyrinthine tests. You need and deserve regular deliveries of uncanny revelation. One of your inalienable rights as a human being should therefore be to receive mysteriously useful omens on a regular basis. In this spirit, I offer you the free weekly horoscopes you read here. If you ever want more, and think it's worth paying for, try my daily text message 'scopes or my expanded audio 'scopes.

*

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Beauty and Truth Lab researcher Beth had a dream that she and her tribe were living peacefully at the foot of a mountain. Without warning, fiery ash and lava erupted. Everyone fled, desperate to escape. But before she had gone far, Beth heard a voice in her head say, "Run toward the volcano; it's your only safety." Feeling an inexplicable trust in the voice, she turned around and started heading back, whereupon the dream ended and she woke up. Soon after getting out of bed, she felt moved to face up to a certain dilemma she'd been ignoring in her waking life. When she solved the problem a day later, she felt gratitude for the dream that had spurred her to do the right thing: Run toward the volcano.

What would be the equivalent in your own life?
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The preceding oracle comes from my new book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.



 
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