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Horoscopes for week of May 27, 2010

Verticle Oracle card Aries (March 21-April 19)
Mozart once challenged his friend Haydn to play a harpsichord piece he'd written. Haydn tried, but stopped partway through when the musical score called for him to play a note in the middle of the keyboard even though his right hand was fully occupied at the high end and his left hand at the low end. "Nobody can play this," protested Haydn. "I can," said Mozart, who proceeded to perform the piece flawlessly, dipping down to play the problematic note with his nose. In the coming week, Aries, be inspired by Mozart as you not only cover the extremes but also take care of the center.


How much do you want to know about your life? How far do you dare to go in your quest for self-mastery? For more insight into your intriguing fate, tune in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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The Yanyuwa Aboriginal people live along the coast of Australia's Northern Territory. Their word for "fat" is nalu-ngiliny. It doesn't merely refer to the greasy stuff that grows naturally under the skin of animal bodies. It's also a metaphysical term for vitality.

Anything that's rich in nalu-ngiliny is healthy. A certain landscape may be considered fat, for instance, which means that it's fertile and sacred. When acacia flowers bloom each year, it's a sign that sea turtles and the marine mammals known as dugongs, favorite foods of the Yanyuwa, are "fat" and ready to be hunted.

I have a fantasy that you will identify the things in your life that are nalu-ngiliny, and give them the honor and gratitude they deserve.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.



 
  Verticle Oracle card Taurus (April 20-May 20)
If you've ever contemplated taking a trip to Bora Bora or Pago Pago, now might be a good time to actually go. That's because you're in a "seeing double" phase -- a time when magic will come through repetition, and via duplication, and while you're in the throes of imitation. To take maximum advantage of the dualistic cosmic rhythms, don't seek just one of anything. Don't do anything just once. Two is where the power lies. Pairing brings potency.


Want to hear more about the hidden factors influencing your life? Listen to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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The poet Muriel Rukeyser said the universe is composed of stories, not of atoms. The physicist Werner Heisenberg declared that the universe is made of music, not of matter.

And we believe that if you habitually expose yourself to toxic stories and music, you could wind up living in the wrong universe, where it's impossible to become the gorgeous genius you were born to be.

That's why we implore you to nourish yourself with delicious, nutritious tales and tunes that inspire you to exercise your willpower for your highest good.
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The preceding oracle comes from my new book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.



 
  Verticle Oracle card Gemini (May 21-June 20)
My favorite news source, The Onion, recently reported on a "free-thinking cat" that excretes its wastes "outside the box." As you enjoy your own phase of liberated thinking and uninhibited action, Gemini, I hope that you're putting the emphasis on generating beauty and blessings "outside the box." You will of course also have to make some messes as you tamper with the way things have always been done, but even they could turn out to be productive in the long run.


Want more help in exploring the Great Mystery that is your life? I discuss your coming week in greater depth in your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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Activist and author Naomi Klein tells a story about the time she traveled to Australia at the request of Aboriginal elders. They wanted her to know about their struggle to prevent white people from dumping radioactive wastes on their land.

Her hosts brought her to their beloved wilderness, where they camped under the stars. They showed her "secret sources of fresh water, plants used for bush medicines, hidden eucalyptus-lined rivers where the kangaroos come to drink."

After three days, Klein grew restless. When were they going to get down to business? "Before you can fight," she was told, "you have to know what you are fighting for."
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.



 
  Verticle Oracle card Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Are you slipping into one of those moods in which you feel like a fraud? Are you starting to worry that maybe you're not who you say you are? If so, I want to remind you of what happened the last time these feelings got stirred up: You became super motivated to prove that you are indeed who you say you are. And that had a most wonderful effect, didn't it? It led you to locate and call on resources you hadn't known you could have access to; it spurred you to purge some self-deception from your system; and it roused you to intensify your commitment to rigorous authenticity. How about an encore?


Do you want further explorations of the intriguing twists and turns of your personal evolution? Check out your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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The Maasai people of Kenya don't have running water, toilets, or electricity, and their per capita income is $300 a year. They use cattle dung as plaster in building their homes because the scent helps repel lions, which dislike it, from venturing too close. And yet they are as happy with their lives as Forbes' magazine's "400 richest Americans" are with theirs -- even though the latter may live in 10,000-square-foot palaces with stained glass windows, French patio doors, limestone kitchen counter tops, spas, wine cellars, and Olympic-sized swimming pools.

This assertion comes from "Beyond Money: Toward an Economy of Well-Being," a report done by psychologists Ed Diener and Martin E. P. Seligman. On a scale of 1 to 7, where 1 is "extremely dissatisfied," 4 is "neutral," and 7 means "extremely satisfied," the Maasai, the Inuit of northern Greenland, and the wealthiest Americans all scored 5.8.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.



 
  Verticle Oracle card Leo (July 23-August 22)
I'm a compassion freak. Empathy is a fetish of mine. My predilection is to comfort the afflicted, champion the underdog, and fight for the rights of people who have been given less than I. And yet there's also a part of me that's a pagan libertarian anarchist. I subscribe to the idea that pretty much any kind of behavior is fine and good as long as it doesn't hurt anyone. Now that you Leos are in the "anything goes" phase of your astrological cycle, this full-permission part of me is rising to the forefront, eager to encourage you to go for broke, take it to the limit, and get away with everything you can get away with -- on one condition, which is that it doesn't harm anyone, including you.


Need more help in figuring out the riddles life is bringing you? Crave more support in your efforts to build your courage? Check out your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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Dear Gorgeous Genius: You possess exceptional capacities that are absolutely unique. You're a masterpiece unlike any other that has ever lived in the history of the world.

Furthermore, the precise instructions you need to ripen into your genius have always been with you, even from the time before you were born. In the words of psychologist James Hillman, you have a soul's code.

You might also call it the special mission you came to Earth to carry out; the divine blueprint that contains the open secret of how to be perfectly, unpredictably yourself; the master plan that is your heart's deepest desire.

Would you like help in deciphering it? The Divine Intelligence Formerly Known as God is always on call, ready to help. It's your birthright to ask Her a specific question every day about what you need to do next to express your soul's code; it's also your birthright to receive a response.

The divine revelation may not be as unambiguous as a little voice in your head. It might appear in the form of a TV commercial, an odd dream, or an encounter with a stranger. It could be demanding and difficult, delivering information you'd rather not have to deal with. Or it might show up as a clear and simple feeling of knowing exactly what to do, and it could be easy and fun.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.


 
  Verticle Oracle card Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Snake charmers are still a fixture in many Indian cities. Moving rhythmically and playing a flute-like instrument, they influence erect cobras to bob and sway as if dancing. According to my reading of the astrological omens, you now have the power to do the metaphorical equivalent of that magic trick. This is one of those rare times when you possess the mojo to direct and even control strong forces that may usually be too wild to tame. You've still got to be careful, though. Just because you've got the power doesn't mean that you can scrimp on preparation and discipline.


What fresh blessings will life bring you? What questions should you be asking? To explore the ripening trends further, tune in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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You know beyond any doubt that each of your heart's beats originates as a gift of love directly from the Goddess herself. You understand that the laws of physics are fine-tuned to create a universe in which you can thrive. You realize with visceral lucidity that everything you see is permeated with a single, unified conscious intelligence, of which you partake intimately. This intelligence is immortal, and thus, so are you. As you register the shocking joy of these truths imprinting themselves on your perfect body, every one of your cells purrs with luminous gratitude.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.



 
  Verticle Oracle card Libra (September 23-October 22)
It's time to think comprehensively, not defensively . . . to see futuristically, not didactically . . . to fantasize fantastically, not diplomatically. Your assignment is to stop reacting to every little blip that leaps into your field of vision, and start surveying the long-term cycles of your life from an expansive vista. Be a proactive visionary, Libra. Be a high-minded explorer. Weave all the disparate threads into a tapestry that reveals the big picture. The next phase of your liberation requires you to slough off petty concerns and trivial details.


Want to explore this chapter of your life story even further? Dig deeper? Push harder? Consider tuning in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES

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In honor of your enhanced power to be yourself, I hereby reward you with a host of fresh titles. From now on you will be known as the Senior Vice President of Strawberry Fields and Hummingbirds, and the Deputy Director of Green Lights and Purple Hearts. Consider yourself, as well, to be the new Puzzle-Master Supreme, the Chief Custodian of Secret Weapons, and Field Commander of Free Lunches and Poetic Licenses.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.


 
  Verticle Oracle card Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
"Never" has never been a more irrelevant word for you. Events that may have always seemed quite improbable are now well within the range of possibility. Exotic people who up until recently may as well have been fictional characters are showing up as real live actors in your actual life story. Plotlines whose emergence you could not have predicted are snaking their way into your drama. So be alert for a freaking miracle concealed in a flimsy disguise. And don't be surprised if a vision of funky paradise shows up in full regalia. The future's not just knocking at your door, it's pounding.


You're got more strength and intelligence than you realize. For help in accessing those untapped inner resources, tune in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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Consider the possibility that the people who seem to slow us down and hold us back are actually preventing things from happening too fast. Imagine that the evolution of your life or our culture is like a pregnancy: It needs to reach its full term. Just as a child isn't ready to be born after five months of gestation, the New Earth we're creating has to ripen in its own time. The recalcitrant reactionaries who resist the inevitable birth are simply making sure that the far-seeing revolutionaries don't conjure the future too suddenly. They serve the greater good.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.



 
  Verticle Oracle card Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Sagittarian writer Samuel Clemens was best known under his pen name, Mark Twain. But he tried many others, including Thomas Jefferson Snodgrass, W. Epaminondas Adrastus Blab, Trismegistus, and Sergeant Fathom. Since you're in a phase when experiments with your persona would be productive, I suggest you dream up a few aliases of your own. I hope that at least one of them will be as wacky as "Blab" or "Snodgrass." Having a sense of humor about yourself will be helpful. It will ensure that your explorations at the frontiers of your identity will be fertile, fun, and never fear-based.


How are you going to change what needs to be changed and accept what needs to be accepted? To get some support from me, tune in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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If you have encountered examples of the following evidence, tell us about it. Send your testimony to the Beauty and Truth Lab at [email protected] You might want to include the following:

1. bliss that flows toward you because you've made a habit of expecting it and cultivating it;

2. good news that's really interesting; fascinating stories that provide an antidote to the media's obsession with hardship, anguish, deterioration, and death;

3. states of emotional wealth and psychological health: raw material for the manual that will be the corrective for the DSM-IV; the missing half of the story;

4. mirabilia: mysterious revelations, rejuvenating prodigies, ineffable breakthroughs, beguiling ephemera, sudden deliverance from boring evils;

5. plain old everyday miracles;

6. the good news you've gone out and created.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.


 
  Verticle Oracle card Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
You're not living in Iraq or Sudan or the Congo, and you don't have to walk five miles a day with a jug on your head to fetch the water you need, and you're not so bereft of food that you have to resort to eating worms and tree bark. So how bad could your problems be? The single best thing you can do to start fixing your life's small glitches is to feel waves of gratitude for how many resources you have and how lucky you are. The second best thing would be to aggressively take your worried attention off yourself and turn your mind toward people who could really benefit from your help. As you carry out those two assignments, your dilemmas will begin to solve themselves as if by magic.


Sometimes it's a challenge to know what's important and what's not important. If you'd like more of my input, tune in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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You're a gorgeous mystery with a wild heart and a lofty purpose. But like all of us, you also have a dark side -- a part of your psyche that snarls and bites, that's unconscious and irrational, that is motivated by ill will or twisted passions or instinctual fears. It's your own personal portion of the world's sickness: a mess of repressed longings, enervating wounds, ignorant delusions, and unripe powers. You'd prefer to ignore it because it's unflattering or uncomfortable or very different from what you imagine yourself to be.

If you acknowledge its existence at all (many of us don't), you might call it the devil, your evil twin, your inner monster, or your personal demon. Psychologist Carl Jung referred to it as the shadow. He regarded it as the lead that the authentic alchemists of the Middle Ages sought to transmute into gold.

How are you doing on your work of changing your own personal lead into gold?
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.



 
  Verticle Oracle card Aquarius (January 20- February 18)
There's a bothersome phenomenon that mucks up reincarnation research: Far too many people profess to have been celebrities and geniuses in their previous lives. A related and equally irksome issue is the problem of multiple claims. For example, I know three different people who have assured me they were Napoleon their last time around. The fact is, almost no one who's reading this horoscope has ever been famous in any past incarnation. However, it is worthy to note that a disproportionately high percentage of you Aquarians were formerly people with great imaginations. And it so happens that in the coming weeks you will be at the peak of your ability to tap into the creativity you had back then.


How well is your imagination working these days? Could it use a boost? A prod? A jolt of inspiration? Try tuning in your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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Thousands of amazing, inexplicable, wondrous, and even supernatural events occur every day. And yet most are unreported by the media. The few that are cited are ridiculed. Why? Here's one possible reason: The people most likely to believe in miracles are superstitious, uneducated, and prone to having a blind, literalist faith in their religions' myths. Those who are least likely to believe in miracles are skilled at analytical thought, well educated, and yet prone to having a blind, literalist faith in the ideology of materialism, which dogmatically asserts that the universe consists entirely of things that can be perceived by the five human senses or detected by instruments that scientists have thus far invented.

The media is largely composed of people from the second group. It's virtually impossible for them to admit to the possibility of miracles, let alone experience them. If anyone from this group manages to escape peer pressure and cultivate a receptivity to miracles, it's because they have successfully fought against being demoralized by the unsophisticated way miracles are framed by the first group.

At the Beauty and Truth Lab we're immune to the double-barreled ignorance. When we behold astonishing synchronicities and numinous breakthroughs that seem to violate natural law, we're willing to consider the possibility that our understanding of natural law is too narrow. And yet we also refrain from lapsing into irrational gullibility; we actively seek mundane explanations for apparent miracles.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.


 
  Verticle Oracle card Pisces (February 19-March 18)
When I sent out my email newsletter last week, I got the usual number of automatic replies from people who were on vacation or out of the office. But one from Lisa P. caught my attention. "Can't reply to your email right now," it read. "I will be meditating until June 1." My first reaction was jealousy. "I want to have the leisure time and willpower to meditate for 14 days non-stop!" I thought to myself. I pictured myself free of all business-as-usual, even meditating while I was asleep. My second reaction was that I should tell you Pisceans about what Lisa P. was up to. The coming days would, after all, be an excellent time for you to retreat from the usual flood of chaos and seek peaceful sanctuary in a conversation with eternity. If you can't manage a whole week, try to give yourself at least 48 hours of profound and utter slack.


Want more clues? Need further insight? For more evocative questions and pithy suggestions about your unfolding destiny, check out your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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Conventional wisdom implies that the best problems are those that place you under duress. There's supposedly no gain without pain. Stress is allegedly an incomparable spur for calling on resources that have been previously unavailable or dormant. Nietzsche's aphorism, "That which doesn't kill me makes me stronger," has achieved the status of a maxim.

We half-agree. But it's clear that stress also accompanies many mediocre problems that have little power to make us smarter. Pain frequently generates no gain. We're all prone to become habituated, even addicted, to nagging vexations that go on and on without rousing any of our sleeping genius.

There is, furthermore, another class of difficulty -- let's call it the delightful dilemma -- that neither feeds on angst nor generates it. On the contrary, it's fun and invigorating, and usually blooms when ­you're feeling a profound sense of being at home in the world. The problem of writing this book is a good example. I've had abundant fun handling the perplexing challenges with which it has confronted me.

Imagine a life in which at least half of your quandaries match this profile. Act as if you're most likely to attract useful problems when joy is your predominant mood. Consider the possibility that being in unsettling circumstances may shrink your capacity to dream up the riddles you need most; that maybe it's hard to ask the best questions when you're preoccupied fighting rearguard battles against boring or demeaning annoyances that have plagued you for many moons.

Prediction: As an aspiring lover of pronoia, you will have a growing knack for gravitating toward wilder, wetter, more interesting problems. More and more, you will be drawn to the kind of gain that doesn't require pain. You'll be so alive and awake that you'll cheerfully push yourself out of your comfort zone in the direction of your personal frontier well before ­you're forced to do so by fate's kicks in the ass.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.



 
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