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Free Will Astrology
horoscopes for week of August 25, 2016

Aries (March 21-April 19)

In the coming weeks, I hope you won't scream curses at the rain, demanding that it stop falling on you. Similarly, I suggest you refrain from punching walls that seem to be hemming you in, and I beg you not to spit into the wind when it's blowing in your face. Here's an oracle about how to avoid counterproductive behavior like that: The near future will bring you useful challenges and uncanny blessings if you're willing to consider the possibility that everything coming your way will in some sense be an opportunity.

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Want to hear more about the subconscious factors and hidden forces that may be influencing your life? Listen to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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SACRED ADVERTISEMENT. The oracle below is from my book PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.
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At the heart of the pronoiac way of life is an apparent conundrum: You can have anything you want if you'll just ask for it in an unselfish way. The trick to making this work is to locate where your deepest ambition coincides with the greatest gift you have to give. Figure out how the universe, by providing you with abundance, can improve the lot of everyone whose life you touch. Seek the fulfillment of your fondest desires in such a way that you become a fount of blessings.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Oh how I wish you might receive the grace of being pampered and nurtured and entertained and prayed for. I'd love for you to assemble a throng of no-strings-attached caretakers who would devote themselves to stoking your healing and delight. Maybe they'd sing to you as they gave you a manicure and massaged your feet and paid your bills. Or perhaps they would cook you a gourmet meal and clean your house as they told you stories about how beautiful you are and all the great things you're going to do in the future. Is it possible to arrange something like that even on a modest scale, Taurus? You're in a phase of your astrological cycle when you most need this kind of doting attention -- and when you have the greatest power to make it happen.

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To further explore the ripening blessings and interesting challenges in your life, tune in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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SACRED ADVERTISEMENT. The oracle below is from my book PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.
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Speak the following lines out loud:
I love everything about me
I love my uncanny beauty and my bewildering pain
I love my hungry soul and my wounded longing
I love my flaws, my fears, and my scary frontiers

I will never forsake, betray, or deceive myself
I will always adore, forgive, and believe in myself
I will never refuse, abandon, or scorn myself
I will always amuse, delight, and redeem myself

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

I invite you to dream about your true home . . . your sweet, energizing, love-strong home . . . the home where you can be high and deep, robust and tender, flexible and rigorous . . . the home where you are the person that you promised yourself you could be. To stimulate and enhance your brainstorms about your true home, experiment with the following activities: Feed your roots . . . do maintenance work on your power spot . . . cherish and foster your sources . . . and refine the magic that makes you feel free. Can you handle one more set of tasks designed to enhance your domestic bliss? Tend to your web of close allies . . . take care of what takes care of you . . . and adore the intimate connections that serve as your foundation.

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Need more whacks applied to your mental blocks? More caresses bestowed upon your growing edge? Listen to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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SACRED ADVERTISEMENT. The oracle below is from my book PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.
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The "Kumulipo" is an old Hawaiian prayer chant that poetically describes the creation of the world. The word literally means "beginning-in-deep-darkness." Here darkness doesn't connote gloom and evil. Rather, it's about the inscrutability of the embryonic state; the obscure chaos that reigns before germination. Talk about the last time you dwelt in kumulipo.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

It'll be one of those rapid-fire, adjust-on-the-fly, think-on-your-feet, go-with-your-gut times for you -- a head-spinning, endorphin-generating, eye-pleasing, intelligence-boosting phase when you will have opportunities to relinquish your attachments to status quos that don't serve you. Got all that, Cancerian? There'll be a lot of stimuli to absorb and integrate -- and luckily for you, absorbing and integrating a lot of stimuli will be your specialty. I'm confident of your ability to get the most of upcoming encounters with cute provocations, pleasant agitation, and useful unpredictability. One more tip: Be vigilant and amused as you follow the ever-shifting sweet spot.

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Where do you want to go? Who do you want to be? For more clues, tune in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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SACRED ADVERTISEMENT. The oracle below is from my book PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.
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Youíre a star -- and so am I. Iím a genius -- and so are you. Your success encourages my brilliance, and my charisma enhances your power. Your victory doesnít require my defeat, and vice versa. Those are the rules in the New World -- quite unlike the rules in the Old World, where zero-sum games are the norm, and only one of us can win each time we play.

In the New World, you donít have to tone down or apologize for your prowess, because you love it when other people shine. You exult in your own excellence without regarding it as a sign of inherent superiority. As you ripen more and more of your latent aptitude, you inspire the rest of us to claim our own idiosyncratic magnificence.

Leo (July 23-August 22)

At the risk of asking too much and pushing too hard, my Guerrilla Prayer Warriors have been begging God to send you some major financial mojo. These fierce supplicants have even gone so far as to suggest to the Supreme Being that maybe She could help you win the lottery or find a roll of big bills lying in the gutter or be granted a magic wish by an unexpected benefactor. "Whatever works!" is their mantra. Looking at the astrological omens, I'm not sure that the Prayer Warriors' extreme attempts will be effective. But the possibility that they will be is definitely greater than usual. To boost your odds, I suggest you get more organized and better educated about your money matters. Set a clear intention about the changes you'd like to put in motion during the next ten months.

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Would you like to hear me say some more about your ever-evolving destiny? Check out your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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SACRED ADVERTISEMENT. The oracle below is from my book PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.
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Every January 1, many people make New Year's resolutions, promising to embark on programs of self-improvement. But your assignment now, should you choose to accept it, is to create a list of ANTI-resolutions.

Here are some questions to guide you: 1. What outlandish urges and controversial tendencies do you promise to cultivate in the coming months? 2. What nagging irritations will you ignore and avoid with even greater ingenuity? 3. What problems do you promise to exploit in order to have even more fun as you make the status quo accountable for its corruption? 4. What boring rules and traditions will you thumb your nose at, paving the way for exciting encounters with strange attractors?

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

Suggested experiments: 1. Take a vow that from now on you won't hide your beauty. 2. Strike a deal with your inner king or inner queen, guaranteeing that this regal part of gets regular free expression. 3. Converse with your Future Self about how the two of you might collaborate to fully unleash the refined potency of your emotional intelligence. 4. In meditations and dreams, ask your ancestors how you can more completely access and activate your dormant potentials.

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Need more help deciphering the riddles and enigmas that are fueling your amazing story? Listen to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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SACRED ADVERTISEMENT. The oracle below is from my book PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.
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The Golden Rule is a decent ethical principle, but it could be even better. "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" presumes that others enjoy what you enjoy. But that's wrong. There are many things you'd like to have done unto you that others would either despise or be bored by. Here's a new, improved formulation, which we call the Platinum Rule: Do unto others as they would like to have you do unto them.

Using this improved formula is not just a virtuous way to live, but is also the best way to ensure the success of your selfish goals. The rituals and spells of various occult orders purport to be supercharged techniques for imposing your personal will on the chaotic flow of events, but I say that practicing the Platinum Rule outstrips all of them as an exercise to enhance your power and happiness.

Libra (September 23-October 22)

I hope you are not forlorn, shivery, puzzled, or obsessive right now -- unless being in such a state will mobilize you to instigate the overdue transformations you have been evading. If that's the case, I hope you are forlorn, shivery, puzzled, and obsessive. Feelings like those may be the perfect fuel -- the high-octane motivation that will launch your personal renaissance. I don't often offer this counsel, Libra, so I advise you to take full advantage: Now is one of the rare times when your so-called negative emotions can catalyze redemption.

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No one knows you better than you do, but maybe I can help you dig up even more self-knowledge. Listen to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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SACRED ADVERTISEMENT. The oracle below is from my book PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.
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HELP WANTED. Practical dreamers with high emotional intelligence needed to become experts in the following subjects: the art of possessing abundant resources without feeling greed or a sense of superiority; the science of cultivating luxurious comfort in a way that does not lead to spiritual sloth; and a knack for enjoying peace and serenity without diluting one's ambition.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

From what I can tell, your vigor is peaking. In recent weeks, you have been sturdy, hearty, stout, and substantial. I expect this surge of strength to intensify in the near future -- even as it becomes more fluid and supple. In fact, I expect that your waxing power will teach you new secrets about how to wield your power intelligently. You may break your previous records for compassionate courage and sensitive toughness. Here's the best news of all: You're likely to be dynamic about bestowing practical love on the people and animal and things that are important to you.

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Wouldn't you love to learn more about who you really are? What better adventure is there than learning about your soul's code? For more hints, listen to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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SACRED ADVERTISEMENT. The oracle below is from my book PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.
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Don't make nasty comments about yourself behind your own back.

Do play soccer in bunny slippers at dawn in a supermarket parking lot with a gang of sadomasochistic stockbrokers who've promised to teach you the Balinese monkey chant.

Don't decorate your thigh with a sloppy tattoo of the devil pushing a lawn mower.

Do wear a t-shirt that says, "Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most."

Don't glide into a bar, scout around for the person whose face has the most pain etched in it, and ask that person to come home with you.

Do eat ripe organic strawberries that have been genetically modified and irradiated, and do chain-smoke Marlboros as you peddle your exercise bicycle, and do wander through a garbage dump while listening to Mozart on your iPod.

Don't get hooked on the fantasy that there are only two kinds of people, those who align themselves with the forces of light and those who align themselves with the forces of darkness.

Do start an organization called POMP (Proud Owners of Multiple Personalities), dedicated to erasing negative stereotypes about healthy non-schizophrenics who enjoy being a community of many different selves.

Don't lie on a floor surrounded by wine-stained poetry books, crumpled Matisse prints, abandoned underwear, and half-eaten bowls of corn flakes as you stare up at the ceiling with a mad gaze, muttering gibberish and waving your hands as if swatting away demons.

Do run along the tops of cars during a traffic jam, escaping from bad guys as you make your way to a helicopter that takes you to a spot hovering over an erupting volcano, into which you drop the Buns of Steel video.

Don't put your soul up for auction on the eBay website.

Do write a cookbook filled with recipes you've channeled from dead celebrities.

If you come upon a lamp with a genie in it, don't wish you had a magic wand.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

The odds are higher than usual that you will be offered a boost or promotion in the coming weeks. This development is especially likely to occur in the job you're doing or the career plans you've been pursuing. It could also be a factor at work in your spiritual life. You may discover a new teacher or teaching that could lift you to the next phase of your inner quest. There's even a chance that you'll get an upgrade on both fronts. So it's probably a good time to check on whether you're harboring any obstacles to success. If you find that you are, DESTROY THOSE RANCID OLD MENTAL BLOCKS WITH A BOLT OF PSYCHIC LIGHTNING.

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I hope the oracle above provides you with the inspiration you need to do what you've got to do and change what needs to be changed. But if you need more clues, listen to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE, where I go further in exploring your mysteries.

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SACRED ADVERTISEMENT. The oracle below is from my book PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.
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Every fundamentalist divides the world into two camps, those who agree with him and like him and help him, and those who don't. There is only one right way to interpret the world -- according to the ideas the fundamentalist believes to be true -- and a million wrong ways.

The fundamental attitude of all fundamentalists is to take everything way too seriously and too personally and too literally. Imagination is a sin and a crime. Correct belief is the only virtue. Every fundamentalist is committed to waging war against the imagination unless the imagination is enslaved to his or her belief system.

And here's the bad news: Like almost everyone in the world, each of us has our own share of the fundamentalist virus. It may not be as dangerous to the collective welfare as, say, the fundamentalism of Islamic terrorists or Christian politicians or CEOs who act as if making a financial profit is the supreme good or scientists who deny the existence of the 96 percent of reality imperceptible to the five senses. Our fundamentalism is not as virulent as theirs.

But still: We are infected, you and I, with fundamentalism. What are we going to do about it?

I say we practice taking everything less seriously and less personally and less literally.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

The cosmos seems to be warming up to your charms. The stinginess it displayed toward you for a while is giving way to a more generous approach. To take advantage of this welcome development, you should shed any fear-based beliefs you may have adopted during the recent shrinkage. For instance, it's possible you've begun to entertain the theory that the game of life is rigged against you, or that it is inherently hard to play. Get rid of those ideas. They're not true, and clinging to them would limit the game of life's power to bring you new invitations. Open yourself up wherever you have closed down.

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For more help in understanding your relationship with the game of life, tune in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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SACRED ADVERTISEMENT. The oracle below is from my book PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.
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Life is a vast and intricate conspiracy designed to keep us well supplied with blessings. What kind of blessings? Palatial homes, attractive lovers, lottery winnings, career success? Maybe. But just as likely: interesting surprises, unexpected challenges, gifts we hardly know what to do with, conundrums that force us to get smarter.

Novelist William Vollman referred to the latter types of blessings when he said that "the most important and enjoyable thing in life is doing something that's a complicated, tricky problem for you that you don't know how to solve."

Aquarius (January 20- February 18)

Are any of your allies acting like they've forgotten their true purpose? If so, you have the power to gently awaken them from their trances and help them re-focus. Is it possible you have become a bit too susceptible to the influences of people whose opinions shouldn't really matter that much to you? If so, now is a good time to correct that aberration. Are you aware of having fallen under the sway of trendy ideas or faddish emotions that are distorting your relationship with your primal sources? If so, you are hereby authorized to free yourself from their hold on you.

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Would you like further inspiration as you scheme and dream to make the most of life's sometimes puzzling opportunities? Listen to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE.

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SACRED ADVERTISEMENT. The oracle below is from my book PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.
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Every act of genius, Carl Jung said, is an act contra naturam: against nature. Indeed, every effort to achieve psychological integration and union with the divine requires a knack for working against the grain.

The 18th-century mystic Jacob Boehme recommended the same technique. The great secret to becoming enlightened, he said, is "to walk in all things contrary to the world."

Qabalist teacher Paul Foster Case agreed: "The basis of the spiritual approach to life, the foundation of the everyday practice of a person who lives the life of obedience to esoteric law, is the reversal of the more usual ways of thinking, speaking and doing."

Name the ways you already use this approach, and brainstorm about others you might like to try.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)

Now would be a favorable time to reveal that you are in fact a gay socialist witch who believes good poetry provides a more reliable way to understand reality than the opinions of media pundits -- unless, of course, you are not a gay socialist witch, etc., in which case you shouldn't say you are. But I do advise you to consider disclosing as much as possible of your true nature to anyone with whom you plan to be intimately linked in the future and who is missing important information about you. It's high time to experiment with being more completely yourself.

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What exactly are you looking for? How would you describe the experiences you want more than anything else? It's possible my EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPE could give you additional help in figuring that out.

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SACRED ADVERTISEMENT. The oracle below is from my book PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.
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Have you ever had permission to indulge in a marathon of braggadocio? Have you ever gotten an invitation to bluster on endlessly about your own charms without feeling even a touch of guilt or inhibition? I hereby grant you such a license right now.

When you're ready, carry out the exercise called Brag Therapy. Grab a good listener or a recording device, and boast extravagantly about yourself for at least 20 minutes. Expound in exhaustive detail why you're so wonderful and why the world would be a better place if everyone would just act more like you.

Don't be humble or cautious. Go too far. Heap extreme glory on yourself. Brazenly proclaim the fabulous qualities about you that no one has ever fully articulated or appreciated. Don't forget to extol the prodigious flaws and vices that make you so special.

What does this have to do with pronoia? When you audaciously identify your existing gifts, you set yourself up to become a magnet for even greater abundance. In fact, we recommend that you treat yourself to a Brag Therapy session regularly.

To whet your imagination, read an excerpt from the boast of Eric Baer, a participant in a Brag Therapy session I hosted in Milwaukee. "I have opposable thumbs," Eric exulted. "I can read. I breathe all the way through the night even though I'm asleep. I have access to emporiums where I can choose from 25 different brands of toilet paper. I know how to turn food into energy. I live where knuckleheads run everything and yet nothing ever blows up."

© 1995-2013 -- Rob Brezsny. All rights reserved