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Aries Leo Sagittarius
Taurus Virgo Capricorn
Gemini Libra Aquarius
Cancer Scorpio Pisces
Horoscopes for week of September 11, 2003

Verticle Oracle card Aries (March 21-April 19)
A study by psychologists at the University of Sussex in Great Britain has found that taking part in protests, demonstrations, or strikes is good for you. Interviews with activists revealed that participants experienced a deep sense of happiness and even euphoria in being involved in such events. By my astrological reckoning, this will be especially true for you Aries in the coming weeks. If you haven't already found a constructive channel for your rebellious mojo, start searching now.

Need a few more whacks applied to your mental blocks in the coming week, Aries? A few more caresses administered to your growing edge? Cruise on over to your Expanded Audio Horoscope. The reading costs $6.

  Verticle Oracle card Taurus (April 20-May 20)
"Both Picasso and T.S. Eliot are credited with saying, 'Good artists borrow, great artists steal,'" notes music critic Peter Gorman. "Credit it to Picasso and it comes across as bravado, a declaration that great art comes from those who appropriate whatever they damn well please. Credit the quote to Eliot and it seems more like word play; to borrow is to imitate and give back, to steal is to make it one's own." Study these tricky assertions about the creative process, Taurus. They should incite provocative meditations as you negotiate a turning point in your relationship with your own fertility.

Where do you want to go in the coming week, Taurus? Who do you want to be? For more clues, tune in to your Expanded Audio Horoscope. The reading costs $6.

  Verticle Oracle card Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Trains in China are divided into two different sections: soft seats and hard seats. "The soft seats are usually where you find the richer, stiffer, better-educated people," reports Charlotte Temple in DoubleTake magazine. "In the hard-seat section, it's like a little village. Everyone is eating watermelon seeds, playing games, leaning out windows to buy from the dumpling sellers." I bring this up, Gemini, because it's an apt metaphor for the choice you now face. As you travel on to the next phase of your life, the soft seats would provide the greatest comfort, but the most interesting and educational events would unfold in the hard seats.

Life will bring you entertaining revelations in the coming week, Gemini. To explore even deeper, dive into your Expanded Audio Horoscope. The reading costs $6.

  Verticle Oracle card Cancer (June 21-July 22)
You've heard of passive smoking, which occurs when the burning cigarette wastes of smokers snake into the lungs of innocent bystanders. Now scientists at the Beauty and Truth Lab have identified a phenomenon they call second-hand depression, wherein victims inadvertently absorb the misery and cynicism of people who are spewing out negative emotions. You Cancerians must be especially careful to protect yourself against that contamination in the coming week. You can't afford to be poisoned by the lazy blather of out-of-control naysayers. Why? Because you have an astrological mandate to nurture optimistic perceptions and articulate loving strategies that uplift everyone whose life you touch.

Want more clues, Cancerian? Need further insight? I discuss your coming week in greater depth in your Expanded Audio Horoscope. The reading costs $6.

  Verticle Oracle card Leo (July 23-August 22)
On an episode of the TV science fiction show "Stargate SG-1," friendly aliens called the Asgards come to Earth seeking help from the top-secret government agency with whom they've had a working relationship. It seems the super-intelligent, highly evolved Asgards have reached a dead end in their ability to fend off their mortal enemy, the Replicators. They hope their dumb allies, the humans, will be able to find some elementary solution that they themselves are too smart and complicated to think of. The idea works. One of Earth's top physicists, a simpleton by Asgard standards, dreams up a crude but effective plan. Let this be a teaching tale for you in the coming week, Leo. Trust innocent, uncluttered, amateur solutions.

What greater adventure is there than exploring the enigmas of your unique destiny, Leo? For more hints about the week ahead, listen to your Expanded Audio Horoscope. The reading costs $6.

  Verticle Oracle card Virgo (August 23-September 22)
The largest meeting of world religious leaders in history was virtually unreported by the media. The top-secret event transpired in 2002, when leading representatives from every major faith gathered in Italy. They issued a "Decalogue for Peace," which denounced violence committed in the name of God and religion. It also declared, "We commit ourselves to those who suffer poverty and abandonment and who have no voice." The media deemed many other stories more important than this unprecedented breakthrough, like Mike Tyson getting his boxing license, John Walker Lindh making a court appearance, and the Enron hearings beginning. I bring this up, Virgo, because a comparable marvel is unfolding in your own life, and you haven't noticed it yet.

Your destiny is a gorgeous mystery, Virgo. Your soul is awakening more every day. The secrets of life are ripening right in front of your eyes. For more clues, consider checking out your Expanded Audio Horoscope. The reading costs $6.

  Verticle Oracle card Libra (September 23-October 22)
"You're only given a little spark of madness," says Robin Williams. "You mustn't lose it." His advice is especially apt for you now. To aid your efforts, here are tips on how to keep a healthy level of insanity, by librarian Bonnie Wolf. 1. When people ask you to do something, ask if they want fries with that. 2. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Kim. 3. As often as possible, skip rather than walk. 4. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy." 5. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer. 6. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice. 7. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down. 8. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors." 9. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I won! I won! Third time this week!" 10. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in." 11. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day. 12. Dont use any punctuation marks 13. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go." 14. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "run for your lives, they're loose!" 15. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go." 16. Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

Hungry for more inspiration, Libra? Curious about the unfolding mysteries? For more juicy details about your destiny in the coming week, check out your Expanded Audio Horoscope. The reading costs $6.

  Verticle Oracle card Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
A few years ago the astronomy magazine "Sky & Telescope" held a contest to replace the name "Big Bang," which many scientists regarded as too frivolous. This week I propose that you Scorpios carry out a comparable project: Find a new name for the Divine Intelligence. The terms "God" and even "Goddess" have been so abused and overused that we've all become numb to them. And given the spiritual opportunities that will be opening up for you in the coming weeks, you can't afford to have an impaired sensitivity towards the Great Mystery. Here are a few ideas to whet your imagination: Blooming HaHa, Whirl-Zap-Gush, Sublime Cackler, Primal Jokester, Cosmic Wow, Eternal Crucible.

No one knows you better than you do, Scorpio. But maybe you'll be inspired to dig up even more self-knowledge in the coming week if you tune in to your Expanded Audio Horoscope. The reading costs $6.

  Verticle Oracle card Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
For almost 60 years, Simon Wiesenthal tracked down Nazis responsible for the Holocaust. His most famous catch was Adolf Eichman, but he also brought more than a thousand other war criminals to justice. He recently retired. "My work is done," the tireless 94-year-old crusader said. "I found the mass murderers I was looking for. I survived all of them." I hereby appoint Wiesenthal to be your role model, Sagittarius. The astrological omens suggest that the coming months will be a perfect time for you to home in on a passionate, righteous commitment that will fuel you for years.

How much do you want to know about your destiny in the coming week, Sagittarius? How far do you dare to go? For more insight into your shimmering, undulating fate, tune in to your Expanded Audio Horoscope for the coming week. The reading costs $6.

  Verticle Oracle card Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
The ozone hole is shrinking and will recover. Current human life expectancy, already at age 84, is steadily increasing. Since 1993, the violent crime rate in the U.S. has decreased by 50 percent. The number of America's black elected officials has sextupled since 1970. The planet is steadily becoming more free: 89 democratic countries control 89 percent of the world's GDP (Gross Domestic Product). Birthrates for teenagers are at the lowest levels in over 60 years. Charitable giving by individuals has increased 180 percent between 1960. Worldwide, the percentage of children enrolled in secondary education has more than doubled since 1970. In other words, Capricorn, life on earth is much better than everyone assumes. Inspired by my shocking evidence, compose a similar list of everything that's going really well for you.

What greater adventure is there than exploring the enigmas of your unique destiny, Capricorn? For more hints about the week ahead, listen to your Expanded Audio Horoscope. The reading costs $6.

  Verticle Oracle card Aquarius (January 20- February 18)
In the coming week, Aquarius, you're in danger of seeing with your imagination rather than with your eyes; you'll be tempted to trust the power of your beliefs more than the evidence of your five senses. It is possible to avert that fate, however. To assist you, I'm happy to provide this curmudgeonly prod from journalist H.L. Mencken: "An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup."

Want to explore the coming week even further, Aquarius? Dig deeper? Feel stronger? Consider tuning in to your Expanded Audio Horoscope. The reading costs $6.

  Verticle Oracle card Pisces (February 19-March 18)
You have done without it long enough, Pisces. This state of deprivation can't go on. Up till now there's been a certain value in you not having the stuff you've been aching for, but as of now its continued absence would begin to have a soul-shriveling effect. Therefore, on behalf of cosmic forces, I hereby authorize you to take all necessary steps, as long as they're ethical, to get the goodies. You may even resort to the desperate pleading that kids use on their parents to get a beloved treat at the grocery store, including: "I promise to be good," "I'll never ask for anything again," and "I NEED IT!!!!"

Got enough clues to chew on for a while, Pisces? If you need more, give yourself the luxury of your Expanded Audio Horoscope for the coming week. The reading costs $6.

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