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Aries Leo Sagittarius
Taurus Virgo Capricorn
Gemini Libra Aquarius
Cancer Scorpio Pisces
Horoscopes for week of May 26, 2005

Verticle Oracle card Aries (March 21-April 19)
A judge in Los Angeles was peeved when a potential juror let out a loud yawn during the jury selection process. "I'm sorry, but I'm really bored," the man confessed. The judge found him in contempt and fined him $100. Similarly, Aries, the universe will find you in contempt if you let yourself get sucked into activities that dull your senses, shut down your curiosity, or numb your lust for life. This week it's your sacred duty to seek out only the most interesting stimuli.

No one knows you better than you do. But maybe you'll be inspired to dig up even more self-knowledge in the coming week if you tune in to your Expanded Audio Horoscope.

  Verticle Oracle card Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Most towns in Ghana have no street names, and the houses have no numbers. It's hard to find where people live if you've never visited them before. This is a good metaphor for an issue I want to bring to your attention, Taurus. There's a certain part of your life that has never been mapped, let alone organized. And yet it's not at all wild; in fact, it's like a bustling village where the streets have no names. It's high time you brought some order and discipline to this place.

What greater adventure is there than exploring the enigmas of your unique destiny? For more hints about the week ahead, listen to your Expanded Audio Horoscope.

  Verticle Oracle card Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Film actor Gianni Russo, best known for his portrayal of wise guys, has fathered 11 children with 10 different women. He'll be both your role model and anti-role model in the coming weeks, Gemini. Like him, your fertility will be abundant. Unlike him, you should focus this huge gift with precision and discrimination. Please don't work on any more than two brainchildren at a time.

Got enough clues to chew on for a while? If you need more, give yourself the luxury of your Expanded Audio Horoscope for the coming week.

  Verticle Oracle card Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Research on newly discovered fragments of ancient New Testament texts reveals that Christian fundamentalists have been working under an erroneous assumption. The number of the Beast is not 666, as right-wing prophets of the apocalypse have long believed. The correct figure is actually 616. I mention this, Cancerian, because your ideas about enemies and evil are also about to undergo a revision. Freed from an illusion, you will at first be sad, then relieved, then confused, then elated.

How much do you want to know about your destiny in the coming week? How far do you dare to go? For more insight into your shimmering, undulating fate, tune in to your Expanded Audio Horoscope for the coming week.

  Verticle Oracle card Leo (July 23-August 22)
I have a dream that in the New World, everyone will be paid in direct proportion to how much beauty they create. There'll be an affirmative action program that ultimately makes most of us celebrities. Buddhist real estate developers will build a chain of sacred shopping centers in the heartland. The CEOs of the richest companies will be required by law to enjoy once-a-week sessions with Jungian psychotherapists. In the New World, April Fool’s Day will come once a month. There’ll be scientific horoscopes and mystical logic. Every one of us will have at least one imaginary friend. Compassion will be an aphrodisiac. Pioneers in artificial intelligence will develop computers that can talk to God. That's my vision of the New World, Leo. What's yours? It's a perfect moment to imagine your personal vision of utopia.

Want more clues? Need further insight? I discuss your coming week in greater depth in your Expanded Audio Horoscope.

  Verticle Oracle card Virgo (August 23-September 22)
You've probably never heard of one of the greatest heroes of the last 100 years. Virgo microbiologist Maurice Hilleman (1919-2005) developed vaccines for measles, pneumonia, meningitis, hepatitis, and many other diseases. The Guardian said he saved more lives in the 20th century than anyone else. And yet, as is all-too-typical for Virgos, he never got anywhere near the acclaim he deserved. Having said that, I believe the coming weeks will depart from the astrological norm. Many of you Virgos will get much more of the recognition and rewards you have earned but never before received.

Want more clues? Need further insight? For more details about your destiny in the coming week, check out your Expanded Audio Horoscope.

  Verticle Oracle card Libra (September 23-October 22)
We're all in the closet in one way or another. Every one of us feels that there's some part of ourselves we've got to hide; that if we reveal the totality of who we really are, we will suffer. For example, U.S. Army Sgt. Robert Stout, who was wounded and got a Purple Heart for his service in Iraq, ultimately decided he was tired of being secret about his homosexuality. As a result, he can't re-enlist, even though he'd like to. My psychotherapist friend Alicia has always used astrology in her practice, but only recently chose to be open about it. Some of her colleagues broke off relations when she told them. According to my reading of the omens, Libra, it's an ideal time to carefully come out of whatever closet you've been in. I'm not saying there'll be no repercussions; just that you'll have clarity and strength as you deal with them. And the freedom you create with your brave revelation will change everything for the better.

Want to hear more about the hidden factors influencing your life in the coming week? Listen to your Expanded Audio Horoscope.

  Verticle Oracle card Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
One of Sesame Street's most recognizable characters is Cookie Monster. After years of feasting on all the cookies he wanted, the fuzzy blue puppet has recently been forced to limit his intake. In an effort to teach kids better eating habits, the show's producers even require Cookie Monster to sing a song called, "A Cookie Is a Sometimes Food." I vociferously protest this action. Born November 2, Cookie Monster is a Scorpio, and Scorpios shouldn't be compelled to tone down their desires as long as their desires aren't hurting anyone. You're on this earth to explore your cravings, to be led by your cravings to the frontiers of understanding. That's the only way they can teach you all they have to teach. Now go and commune with as many cookies (or your personal equivalent) as you need to.

Life will be a gorgeous mystery in the coming week. To explore even deeper, dive into your Expanded Audio Horoscope.

  Verticle Oracle card Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
In the film 3-Iron, a man and woman meet and become lovers without ever speaking. They maintain their perfect silence even as they glide through a series of adventures, forging a sly, resilient harmony. Their romance provides a "fresh, confident vision of love as a kind of Buddhist refuge," reported The Week. While I don't recommend that you take up their model of intimacy forever, Sagittarius, I do think it's a perfect time to try it out for a brief period. Do you dare? Spend a day or even a few hours with the person you're closest to without ever saying a word to each other. (Nonsense sounds are permissible.)

Where do you want to go in the coming week? Who do you want to be? For more clues, tune in to your Expanded Audio Horoscope.

  Verticle Oracle card Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has no tolerance for his children's carelessness with their dirty clothes. His wife Maria Shriver says that if he finds the kids' pajamas and t-shirts lying around, he simply burns them. I urge you to take a page out of the Terminator's book, Capricorn. It's an excellent time to throw parts of your wardrobe into the fire--especially things that may still look OK but no longer suit your style. You know what I mean: the clothes that remind you of the person you used to be but no longer are. Once you've got the blaze started, why not fling in a bunch of other stuff that's outdated, worn out, and weighing you down?

Want more clues? Need further insight? I discuss your coming week in greater depth in your Expanded Audio Horoscope.

  Verticle Oracle card Aquarius (January 20- February 18)
Last fall, millions of Ukrainians waged the "orange revolution." Wearing orange scarves as their symbol of solidarity, they peacefully overturned the results of the rigged presidential election. Citizens of the ex-Soviet republic of Georgia had their own nonviolent insurrection in 2003, wielding bouquets of roses as they toppled their chief tyrant during the "rose revolution." I hereby proclaim the coming week to be the launch of the Aquarian tribe's "seed revolution." Inspired by the metaphor of the seed, you will weed out the rotting status quo and plant your seed-like ideas everywhere you go. Carry a packet of seeds with you at all times. What kind? Doesn't matter: pumpkin, wildflower, magic beans, or anything that excites your imagination.

Want to explore the coming week even further? Dig deeper? Push harder? Consider tuning in to your Expanded Audio Horoscope.

  Verticle Oracle card Pisces (February 19-March 18)
In 2004 the U.S. federal government gave $2.2 billion to the 50 states, directing them to spend the money to defend against terrorism. So far, though, 86 percent of the donation remains unused. Many of the states can't seem to decide how to allocate the funds. This problem reminds me of a situation in your life, Pisces. You, too, have been blessed with a sizable endowment that you have not taken full advantage of. Is this the week you change all that? It might help to figure out the reasons why you have not yet understood the true purpose of gift.

Need a few more whacks applied to your mental blocks in the coming week? A few more caresses administered to your growing edge? Cruise on over to your Expanded Audio Horoscope.

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